The Renegade Diaries

Chapter 4: Sins

I waited in the coffee shop, reading the journal. I heaved a sigh as my hand fell on my leg, it landing on a small, square item that was in my pocket. I looked down at it, then remembered that it was my box of cigarettes. I smiled a little, remembering Hayley's habit of smoking on the twentieth of every month. I chuckled and looked at my phone, finding the date to be the twentieth. The day I smoked, just like Hayley. I tended to develop the habit, occasionally smoking more than one day each month. It was more like a cigarette a week.

I fixed my attention back to Hayley's handwriting that was scribbled in blue ink from a gel pen.

Dear Taylor,

Josh and I have been on and off lately. He's suspected me of cheating a few times and... he's right. I have been. Please promise you won't tell him. Don't tell anyone. Please keep it between you and me. The thing is, he's not who I thought he was. We tend to argue a lot, but I never really paid much attention to it. Last night, we had a huge fight via text and I broke down. I cut a lot more. You probably think "Wow, over a stupid boy? You're better than that, Hayles." But it's not that. I love him. And he threatened to leave. I can't live without him. If he leaves me, I have nothing else to live for.

I could be wrong. After all, I am cheating on him. Because I'm falling out of love with him. I don't really know what to say anymore. I confuse myself, believe me.

You know, Taylor, I'm glad you won't ever see this. I have to tell it to someone (or something, in this case), so might as well say it here.

"Ahem," I heard a familiar voice cough, the tone very annoyed. I looked up from the book and found Veronica, her hands resting on her hips. "What is with you and that book!" she complained.

"It's none of your concern, Veronica," I said dully as I hesitated to fold the corner of the page I was on, anxious to read Hayley's confession.

"Then, why is your nose always stuck in it whenever I see you? Are you hiding things from me? Are you cheating?"

"Veronica," I groaned, resting my head in my hands with a frustrated sigh. "Just... calm down."

"How can I when my boyfriend won't pay attention to me because he's reading some diary!"

"They're not diaries," I corrected, my voice already cold. "They're personal experiences."

"Same thing!"

"It is not!"

"I'm not going to argue with you about the difference between a diary and a journal!"

"Well, you must want to since you bring it up so much!"

"I only bring it up because it bothers me! You won't even pay attention to me when I'm talking to you!"

"So, this is all about you, now?"

"I never said that!" I blew another annoyed sigh, irritated by Veronica's whiny ways of arguing with me. Our arguments were too often over the smallest things. I leaned back into my chair as I exhaled, a curl slightly rising off my forehead.

"You know what, I'm going to have a smoke," I said before getting up.

"Is that your way out of everything, Taylor?!" Veronica nagged. "Smoking? That's all you ever say! You want to have a smoke! Did you smoke your way out of your friend's death?!" I stiffened as I stopped in my footsteps towards the door. I turned to her, pursing my lips as thoughts of Hayley rushed into my mind, making things harder.

"Don't you dare bring her into this," I snarled. "She is the reason I smoke." Veronica didn't say another word. I turned back to my route as I dug a lighter and cigarette out of my pocket.

Once I was outside, I lit the cigarette and took a draw of it, trying to forget all that had happened. Veronica, Hayley's death... everything. Everything else faded like the clouds I had blew into the air, except for Hayley. She was still in my thoughts. I didn't mind it, noting the fact that I was smoking a cigarette on the twentieth, just like she did once. I picked up some of her habits after her passing. It almost was like I took her broken pieces and created them as my own broken fragments. In some ways, I was Hayley. Strong outside, broken inside. I, then, understood why she always tried to keep her mask on. So she wouldn't have to answer questions... so she wouldn't get hurt again. So she wouldn't get hurt anymore.

Veronica came outside as I finished my cigarette. I studied her as she glared at me, Hayley's journal in her hand. I dropped the burning item and crushed its embers with my shoe.

"I didn't look through them, Taylor York," she spat as she tossed the book at my feet, not caring if it had any damage afterwards. I returned her glare as I picked up the journal.

"Don't call me that," I toned. Veronica rolled her eyes as she left. I watched her leave, her walk already expressing her anger.

"You're not the person to call me that," I said under my breath. "You're not her."