one of those nights when i ache for you with the persistent pain that my period usually brings. the sensation in my lower abdomen is lava hot and fraught with latent orgasm. (you know me well when i am like this) i will tell you what goes through my mind when you are far away from me.
i have never spent too much time thinking of sex. it has been one of those easy things i have lived with or without for shorter and longer stretches. oh, i have thought of it, but the bit where they say there's a difference between making love and having sex, well, i always thought what is with the splitting hairs about it? i was never the type to love the darling that i'm with just because i can't be with the darling that i love. i had to at least be attracted to someone to get physical with them (though to be honest, there have been a handful of encounters i would find hard to explain, although alcohol may have been guilty).
so. this has been me all my life.
overall, sex has either been good or not so bad. it's been very erotic or plainly pleasant. and some experiences have been way up there. i do know it is true that one person can bring out sex in someone else, it is a matter of response - one responds to certain things, for sure, in a way one would perhaps not have believed. i have been part of amazing and unimaginable play, and i am happy that i could have had a taste of all the honey. after all, my love, parts fit together and mostly they do so without too much fuss. so making love has little to do with loving, was my thought. i have never suffered for lack of it or directly because of it.
then you came into my life like a lion that appears silently on the horison of the savannah, and all the more striking for it. i recall the morning i stood before you and put your hand between the warm skin of my thighs and i remember how weak my knees suddenly felt. the touch of your hand on me was like a blessing from you. it seemed i had waited all my life to feel your hands on my body. i lifted myself and straddled you so that we faced each other and gently impaled myself. your eyes never left mine. i had never felt such an intense connection with another human being; it went through my stomach and it speared me. i could see how you felt my secret walls and i noticed your pupils dilate. do you remember how holy it felt? and how right? (good god, it was so right!) this was you putting yourself in me. putting your life inside me. i could have swallowed all of you with my body. i wrapped my legs around you while i felt you move up inside and i moved down on you and came to rest, embedded and safely filled with you. i was earthed. i was a ripe fruit growing from the root that was you, my nourishment and my strength. what i was, you were before me and i, in turn, became it now. my feelings were yours and yours were mine. you were all i needed. i really could go without anything else. i, who did not want children would want to have your babies. you filled me in the ways that i did not know i was empty. and i knew this was how it would be, always. always. we were one. in my mind the expression rang a bell so far off, i hardly recognised it; the phenomenon of becoming one with another human. that eternal cliche. and it was our love that held us there. upright and strong and extensions of one another. sitting here and writing about it, brings these memories back and the profound sense of arriving i associate with you. our emotional and physical parts were aligned with the moon and the stars. we were the sun and all the elements of this earth. nothing else mattered.
for the longest time we remained that way, nearly still. skin on skin. heart in heart. minds one. i had never been so complete. i felt u grow harder in me as i was growing tighter around you. and as we looked at each other we knew the moment was drawing nearer where, thank god, there would be no turning back. it took all the energy i had not to be swept away. the wave we felt swelling from very far off, like feeling a tsunami travel, it's strength sweeping deep sensations through us like an ocean current, miles from our shores, moved us. we felt its flow and it left us powerless and strong at the same time. you were magnificent. you held us on the surge of rapture forever. you kept me anchored and on course, although all i wanted to do was to let go. the feelings of ease and gladness were immense. and as much as i wanted to give, you were willing me to draw and collect and take your offering.
and then i received and received and received and received. i could not seem to stop getting. until at last i received you and and absorbed you and we were consumed by one another until i thought we would die.
i feel you when i close my eyes long enough and just wait a little while...
i am going to bed. i love you more than anything.
ruby
seasofme150813lovelettersfromruby
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