Schizophrenia //h.s/NOT CONTINUTED

Chapter 11

Harry's POV

So far things with Louis aren't so bad. I mean once in a while he gets annoying with how careful he is and how he keeps asking me if I'm ok.

I think having Jess around will be fun since I get to see her even though she is dead. The doctor said ,however, that I shouldn't get used to this because having Schizophrenia isn't fun. He said lots of people suffer because of this and what happened the other day was terrible but he said that things like that will happen. Schizophrenia is not a fun thing ,I know that, but being able to see Jess after what happened is more like a miracle then a curse.

Whenever I think this I wonder, how am I going to move on? How am I going to get better if I still want to see Jess? It worries me how attached I am, and I can tell it worries Louis too. He wants me to get better and live on with my normal life but how can I ? It's like a drug, how do you leave a drug? How do you stop? It worried me that I will be like this for all my life , that I won't get start a new life because of this. Things like these are crazy and if I am honest, I wish I could leave this drug.

Sometimes I sit alone in my room when Louis is asleep and wonder how this could happen. Of course I still feel pain for what happened , of course I still miss her but I wish I didn't. How could something like that have happened to her. To someone so nice and humble that spread nothing but joy? It was terrible.

It wasn't your fault

I remember those words but knowing that I caused her death is still troubling me. I think of happy days and smile, it's good being happy.

"Harry?You awake?" Louis says as he walks into my room. I turn and see him by my door and he looks tired.

"Yea ,I was just thinking ." I tell him

"Of what ?"

"Of how crazy life has been, of everything really. Jess,you, my future."

"And?"

"And I am scared for the future" I tell him honestly .

"Harry, let me tell you something. What happened with Jess was terrible and if I was you maybe I would be going through the same thing. I know you feel guilty but I know Jess. We were great friends. I know how upset she would be if she saw you like this, do you think she wants you to be blaming yourself? "

Obviously she doesn't

"No"

"Exactly, she would want you to live one, be happy! Harry, in life there is going to be hard things that everyone will go through. You are going through something terrible , you are going through something that I wish you weren't but you have to understand that being depressed won't help. She will still be dead, and worst of all you will be depressed and question everything . I don't want to one day come home and see you in dead or something."

Does he mean Suicide? Me committing suicide? Louis thinks I would do that ? He thinks I'm that upset? I didn't think my sadness showed so much.

"Life will punch you and it will hurt and hurt but it is your choice if you want to stay on the floor and be hurt or fight back and get through this like the strong person I know you are. Don't let this bring you down because I know you have a happy life ahead of you. A life that we can't imagine but there is hope and all you need is hope. Grasp that hope , and get up from the floor and fight back with everything you've got." He finishes. He stands up and walks out of my room without looking back.

Hope. Hope that I will get through this.

Louis is right , being upset won't work and I do want a better life. I do.

If I want it then I will have to get it , I will have to work for it

This is going to be hard because I know that this fight isn't over yet but this time instead of crying ,I'm going to fight back. It has been 4 months of depression and ,honestly, I am tired of it.

I am

I'm tired of crying and feeling pain. Starting today I am going to try to move on, it it takes a year until I find happiness then I'm ok with that. Because I know that I tried and tried to get over this and If I succeed in happiness then I know that will make me feel damn good.

A quote Louis had once said to me in school comes back to me " You gotta want it to win it , and I want it more" In this case what I want to win is my life back, my happy cheery self again. The one that Jess met.

You gotta want it to win it

And, right now , damn right I want it more.

I want it and I will get it. I will get my life back and that's a promise to me, Louis,and Jess.