Possibility (Gilbert Blythe)

Chapter five

"Dear girl! Are you out of your mind?!" Miss Cuthbert yelled in fright as I approached the gate. Her voice was high-pitched as if she had been scared or sad. She hurried my way, her apron in one hand and her free hand searched for my shoulder. Angry and devasted I pushed it away.

"Please I beg of you to not lay a hand on me in such a fragile state," I told her clear as day and went past her to the door. I did not want to face her. Her crack in her voice had sparked empathy in me, but I could not break down. If they did not want me here, I needed to leave and I did not want them to keep me out of pity. I stayed at Blythe's porch and went over the situation a thousand times in my head, just to make sure I was making the right decision. The more I thought it through the angrier I got. I could stand up for myself, but I would rather have nothing to do with someone who would leave me in a state of no security.

"Stop this attitude right now!" She screamed behind me, and I turned around to face her in a heated twirl in the mud.

"Why does it matter?!" I pushed open the door and hurried inside. The warmth from the oven hit me and a delighted feeling streamed in me. I took my wet and dirty shoes off me and marched up the stairs to my room. I did not even mind saying anything to Mr. Cuthbert who sat in his usual chair, smoking.

The rain poured on the ceiling, and I could still hear the fainted thundering. My emotions calmed down as I leaned into my bed. I felt numb and cold, not angry and as my emotions cleared so did my head. I wanted to leave because they made me feel unwanted, like at the orphan home. There was no real form of security or anything permanent, and I wanted to leave to go home to that security. To my mother and father, to my sister. I knew this was not rational, and that a state of fleeing from the scenery to something that did not exist, would do more damage than good. I needed somewhere to stay.

In my heart I knew the Cuthbert's to be good and honest people, they had shown me multiple times. They would not deceive me. I searched back to the conversation, for anything that can support the intention I had now come back to. I tightened my eyes harder, searching deep. Her eyes had shone with the greatest of shame when Rachel blurted out the new arrangement in front of me. Is Marilla Cuthbert as well as myself, controlled by the outside force that is society? Is she as well as any other woman and girl controlled to make a decision that is not frowned upon?

The decisions, the emotions, the deducing of facial expression, and tone of voice were so overwhelming. I alone could not make a solution, and I would like to run to security. However, that I let myself feel that tiny, childish hope of letting a family take care of me, of letting them be the good and honest people I believed them to be, I was unable to leave. I wanted it all to be a big misunderstanding and that I too could have a happy ending.

Reader, is it worth fighting for? Does fending for myself make me irrational and dumbfounded? Or am I too entitled to such happiness a child should be faced with? I hope you never have to experience such an awful dilemma and that certainty lay ahead in your future!

I closed my eyes and let a simple tear run down my chin. The cherry blossoms outside the window were soaked by the water that poured from the sky and tiny water drops drooped down onto the leaf underneath it. The drops continued down leaf and branches until they landed down on the ground. They looked like tiny tears. As if God above was crying. Perhaps He was.

My return to faith in the depths of despair made my figure drop to my knees right in front of the window and folded my hands in front of my face.

"Dear God. Please let it be a happy ending for me as well. I know the Cuthbert's to be true and good people, let them decide to clear this mishap, let their true intentions shine so I can make my decisions. Let this not be another place to flee from"