Califuckinfornia

XI.

Califuckinfornia

Chastity

Since me confessing to what I had done, Rack City hasn't said much to me and I didn't like that- well in his defense I wasn't home for much of the day yesterday because I was out with Vanity. Now I don't know if it directly links to what I told him or if he's got something going on that I don't know about but right now I was walking out through the back sliding door where I saw him sitting on the back porch step with his back to me. I wasn't sure what he was doing but I was about to find out now.

"Good morning." I said when I was close enough to him to kiss the back of his neck. I nearly fell over onto of him but caught myself on his shoulders. "Why are you out here?"

"There's a raccoon in the tree and I'm gonna shoot it with the BB gun. His ass was on my roof this mornin' and I can't deal with it. Good mornin' to you too, how are you feelin'?" His eyes were locked on the tree and I couldn't see the raccoon he was aiming for. "He's there, the Green's behind me even see his fat ass."

"When you kill it can you turn it into one of those funny hats for me?" I asked sitting next to him and resting my head on his shoulder. "If he really is fat then I want a big fluffy hat with his tail hanging."

"Anythin' you want, you got. How was your day with Vanity? I meant to ask you when you got home." I love how tolerant he is of me and my annoying ways. Right now I was tracing the tattoos he had on his face and he wasn't bothered or irritated by that like most niggas- CJ -would be. I was sort of poking the top of his eyelid now and I laughed a bit because his eyelid was really soft.

"It was a lot of fun and I can't wait till I'm completely healed so we can do this thing called hiking. She said it was fun and I'd like it so I wanna do it. We also talked a little about rehab." He finally grabbed my wrist and looked over at me curiously. "I was thinking about it a lot last night in the shower and I guess it wouldn't hurt giving it a try."

"Really?" I nodded. "What was the push that made you consider it? Like what did Vanity say or what did you realize?"

"She made a point that the only reason why I'm not full on tripping out is because of some of the meds that I'm currently on. They're not extremely strong but they keep me mellow and once those run out she said it'll hit hard and that's scary to think about. Then after telling you about the baby- I thought I would give rehab a try."

"D'you tell her about the baby?" I shook my head. "Oh aight. Well thank God you realized you needa make a change. It'l be hard at first when you get there but the people are gonna help you get through it. They don't just throw you in a room for ninety days and then magically you pop out perfectly normal. It's gonna do you good, you're gonna feel better about yourself and get your body back on track."

"I understand all of that but I'm scared that when I come out from rehab... the depression. What am I going to do about that? The main reason why I do drugs is to mask my depression and keep my mind from reliving traumatizing events from all throughout my life."

"So you don't use drugs just for the fun of it?" I shook my head. "See I never knew that, I thought you did was just for a good time. Earlier parts of your life were that difficult for you?"

"Yeah. Its like the harder the drug, the less chance I have to recall a memory. I was hoping to get amnesia from an OD or if I had someone give a hard blow to my head." I shrugged as I closed my eyes with the sun warming up my arm but it was still chilly out and I wanted to go back inside but I needed the fresh air. I don't talk much about my childhood, I keep it very vague. Mom used me for exchange for her drugs and money, school was tough and I was always told to keep it to myself. Never mention it to anyone and finally when I was able to drop out, that's where it all escalated and its just gradually gotten worse with each year since. I've done a great job playing it off like I'm not bothered and I try not to let it rain in on my personality but I just can't have idle time where my brain shuffles through it all.