All the Notes I'll Never Leave

Nightlight. -A Slam Poem

When I was six years old-
I had no need for a nightlight.
I was stronger than anything-
Anything that could come crawling out of that darkness.
When I was seven years old-
Nine years ago-
I could not tell the difference between myself and reality.
I saw no line between the monsters that stood before me and the lullabies that suitably lulled me into an uneasy sleep
When was seven years old
I did not know what would kill me-
Only that something would-
Something that was lurking just out of the corner of my eye and it had teeth like glass-
Sharpened glass.
When I was seven years old I was told that I was crazy-
Not by my mother or my father nor the dancing heffalumps that I swore I saw in my little bedroom on Roosevelt road-
But by the figure directly behind me-
Breathing words of hatred down my neck-
No-
Through my neck and into my own throat.
When I was seven years old
I was pulled into a hospital room
And was told that the poor doctors had poisoned me-
Poisoned my mind for years.
That the monster that sat behind me had a name-
He had always had a name-
His name was "Amoxicillin".
They told me it would make me better-
That my throat would stop self destructing every time I took a swallow-
But no-
It created this demon and then left the pain to spread.
When I was seven years old I wanted to die.
I begged myself to fall asleep and never wake up again-
But then of course I would wake for my body was afraid of what, at that time, I desired most.
When I was eight years old-
I trusted no one.
When I was eight years old I rejected my mother and sent her running to the car dripping with her own tears.
When I was eight years old I already knew big kid words such as "relapse" and "flashback".
When I was eight years old I played pretend with demons.
By the time I was ten-
I did not play anymore.
The monster had gotten me-
And crumpled me up like a misshapen paper doll.
I slept with the light on.
Some nights-
I still do.