Deadpool the Story, Book, Novel........????

Chapter 5 - Guardians of the Galaxy

Can I swear now?

YEAH CAN WE?

Ugh, fine.

All right!!! Bitch, fuck, shit, ass, bastard cu--

OK that's enough.

CAN YOU CONTINUE THE STORY NOW?

But before you do, there is something I must tel--

NO NOT YET. YOU'LL BREAK HIS HEART.

Fine.

Ooookkkaaayyy. Um, where was I? OH YES. Rocket and bad Iron Man joke.

"Tony, that was harsh, man." said Captain America. "I mean, he's an idiot and a MAJOR douche--" "Yeah. Wait what?" I said. "Just get in the fucking rocket" said Iron Man, that cock. So I got in the rocket, pressed some random shit--

WHY?

All I had on my mind was big, boobs.

ON WHO?

Black Widow, of course.

HOW DO YOU KNOW? WERE YOU THERE?

..................

Are you legit fucking with me? We're voices in his head.

HOW AM I MEANT TO KNOW THIS?

After pressing crap, it started up and before I could scratch my balls, I was up in orbit.

VICTORY SCREECH!!!!!!!!!

WAIT! If you were now in orbit, how did the Skrull ship not blast you to kingdom come?

DUDE ITS A FUCKING STORY. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE LOGICAL.

Shut up! I was above the Earth and had the destination programmed in the rockets GPS because fuck if I know where I was going.

Even though Storm told you in the last chapter.

SERIOUSLY SHUT THE FUCK UP.

I was cruising along in my rocket DRINKING AND DRIVING BITCHES when BAM!! I hit something or should I say 'someone'.

"What the actual fuck Wade?" said Ms Marvel.

SHE IS HOT.

"Carol! Wassup babe?" I said smoothly. *SLAP* "OW! WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT?" "Are you joking? You hit me with a rocket going at almost hyper speed" she said. "Almost". "This isn't even your rocket! It belongs to The Avengers". "They let me borrow it to stop the world from getting destroyed 'n' shit". "I can help". "Sure. You can start by taking a big bowl of SHUT UP and go back to Earth THIS IS MY FUCKING STORY AND YOU'RE NOT INVITED".

Childish much?

"Fine" she said rudely and flew straight to New York. "Well that's that." I said. "Now Where am I"? The radar had a mark on 'Quadrant 4' and I needed 41/2.

Bet you $10 that the readers think it says forty one-forward slash-two.

Its four and a half. So a half left. I was to lazy to keep going and I was starving so I found a diner in the same quadrant so I went in for a burger and a beer or whatever the fuck space freaks have.

SPACE-IST.

I'll give you points for that one.

THANKS.

I was at the bar and ordered some drink ( I don't fucking know). Some alien dude taps me on my shoulder and says something in some alien language. His friend taps me and says "He doesn't like you". Being nice and not wanting to start trouble, I said "I'm sorry". Then the shithead was all like "I don't like you either. You better watch yourself. We're wanted men. I have the death sentence on twelve systems". Being smart, I was all like "I'll be care full". Then he was like "You'll be DEAD!" Some loser was like "This guy isn't worth it" and shit but I was like to myself the fucker brought it upon himself so I pull out my katana and they both pull out a gun and I was all like "You no good piece of shit" and cut the alien dudes arm clean off. It was fucking awesome!

because that definitely didn't happen in IV: A New Hop--

LET HIM DREAM.

Because I was all hyped up, I yelled as loud as I could "Does anyone in this shit diner/bar thing know where the Guardians of the Fucking Galaxy are?" Then some loser in a red jacket comes up to me. "I hear you are looking for the Guardians of the Galaxy?" the strange man said. "Fucking Galaxy I believe" I said. "Look cut the attitude," he said. "My name is Peter Quill. You can call me Star Lord." "You fucking joking?" I said. "Star Lord? Sounds like some shitty Star Was sequel by Disney or something." "Look," he said. "Just come and meet the rest of my crew". He took me over to his table and I swear to God this is what I saw. I saw a green dude on steroids with like red tribal tattoo things. Star Lord said his name was Drax. I saw a green chick (Lots of green BTW) who had browny-red hair. She looked dangerous. Star Loser said her name was Gamora. I also saw a fucking tree man. He was taller then all of us. He looked calm and kind. Star Shithead said that his name was Groot. No fucking shit, all he said was "I AM GROOT". I fucking KNOW! Now the last guy, holy shit the last guy was a fucking RACCOON with a GUN bigger than HIM. Star Get-fucked or whatever said his name was rocket. "Meet," Star Lord said, "The Guardians of the Galaxy!"

THAT WAS AWESOME!!

I have never heard of these guys.

Yet they get a movie coming out and I still don't get shit.

I HEARD A RUMOR THAT THEY ARE MAKING AN X-FORCE MOVIE AND YOU AND CABLE PLAY MAJOR ROLES.

It was cool until you said Cable. Prick.

DO WE TELL HIM?

Next chapter.

We have to end it real cool like.

ANOTHER JOKE, MAYBE?

Whatev's

A MAN'S CAR BREAKS DOWN AND SEES A HOUSE IN THE DISTANCE. AN OLD WOMEN LIVES THERE. SHE SAYS THAT HE CAN STAY THE NIGHT. SHE ALSO SAYS THAT HE HAS TO FOLLOW 3 RULES OR SHE WILL CALL THE POLICE. SHE SAYS TO THE MAN THAT HE CAN SLEEP IN THE BASEMENT ON SOME WOOL. DURING THE NIGHT, HE GETS COLD AND SEES A CLOTHESLINE WITH PANTS HANGING ABOVE HIM. HE PULLS THEM DOWN ON TOP OF HIM LIKE A BLANKET.  THE WOMAN BURSTS INTO THE BASEMENT AND SAYS THAT HE HAS BROKEN THE FIRST RULE AND THAT HE HAS TO SLEEP IN THE STABLE. HE SLEEPS ON THE GROUND AND THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE NIGHT A DONKEY IS KICKING HIM IN THE HEAD. OUT OF ANGER, HE SLAPS THE DONKEY AND IT WALKS AWAY. THE OLD WOMAN BURSTS INTO THE STABLE AND SAYS THAT HE HAS BROKEN THE SECOND RULE AND THAT HE HAS TO SLEEP ON THE FRONT PORCH. HE SLEEPS THERE FOR AN HOUR UNTIL THE OLD WOMAN'S CAT STARTS TO RUB AGAINST HIM AND HE IS ALLERGIC TO CAT HAIR SO HE SHAVES THE CAT. THE WOMAN RUNS OUT TO THE FRONT PORCH AND SAYS THAT HE HAS BROKEN THE THIRD AND LAST RULE SO SHE IS GOING TO CALL THE COPS TO ARREST HIM. THE COPS GET TO THE HOUSE AND ASKS THE OLD WOMEN WHY THEY ARREST THE MAN. THE OLD WOMEN SAYS THAT THE MAN 'PULLED HER PANTS DOWN, SLAPPED HER ASS, AND SHAVED HER PUSSY'!

Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHhahahahaha

That was surprisingly hilarious.

What a way to end a chapter.