The Battle Within (Discontinued)

When Called Out

February 13

     The harder I worked towards perfection, the more I pushed my plate away, and the more weight I lost got a lot of attention from someone that used to be my haven.

     I never noticed how much James really knew about what was going on. We had gotten to where we rarely talked about how we felt, or even talked at all. I was so alone, stuck in the prison I had created where my own self image was the jailer that I never could see James standing there with my bail. Just like he always was when I was in trouble.

     The first time I knew that James was going to be a problem with my plans was when I had pushed away over half of my food at dinner. I had mostly cut all of it into small pieces and pushed it around the plate, only eating one or two bites that almost made me sick to even think of. I saw the way he had raised his eyebrow over his glass of water. That wasn't good for me, or so a little voice said in my head.

     That little voice I called Ana. She was my anorexia, in my head, living, breathing, feeding my soul with misery and bitter sweet hatred.

     I know, it sounds sick that I loved her. I also hated her, but I needed her so badly it hurt. Ana was the one that told me I could be beautiful if I lost five more pounds, she was the one who screamed that I was too fat as I ran every morning, she was the one who purred condolences when I would curl up at night with hunger pains. She was my saviour and my captor, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

     That night James stopped me in the hall as I was going to my room so I could do a few sit-ups before bed. There was a little warning bell sounding off in my head.

     "Maxx, I think there's something wrong. And don't you dare lie to me." That was the first full sentence James had said to me in two weeks. Fear or guilt or whatever makes your stomach feel likes its on fire and dropping into your intestines took over. My hands started shaking worse than normal as he stared me down.

     "Nothing's wrong. I just don't feel well." Liar, I know. I couldn't even look him in the eye. I was never good at being called out, and even worse at keeping a secret.

     "You haven't been 'feeling well' for a while. I've noticed how little you eat, but I thought it was a phase. Listen Maxx, this isn't healthy. You're underweight, it's obvious, and I'm worried." I told myself over and over not to look him in the eye. I couldn't, I coulndn't, I couldn't...

     I did. I crumbled, his eyes always showed the truth and there was fear and concern right there for me to see. I had silently cursed myself.

     "I'm fine James. I'm just on a diet. Trust me, I wont go too far." Liar! I couldn't help the guilt, but I couldn't tell him either. I was too far in.

     "I don't believe you! Damn it Maxx, you're all I have. I wont lose you to something stupid." I remember that part word for word, and damn did it hurt. How could he have thought it was stupid? I also remember this, "You can't do this. You need help, I know I'm not much but you can't die over what society thinks is right. And you're going to die if you keep this up." And then he had just walked off.

     I had been called out, I had lied to my little brother, I had been hurt deeply and I was angry. But I knew he spoke the truth. Still, I didn't want to stop. I was almost under one hundred! I was so close, I could run my fingers over my ribs and not feel any fat. I loved it, but I knew I had gone into waters that were too deep.

     I wanted out, and yet Ana made me feel like I was doing the right thing. I had to tell, but I couldn't. This was the worst battle that raged in my head. No matter what side I chose, somehow I would lose.

                                                                  ~Maxx

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I know this took forever, and I'm so sorry! Finals are almost over so I'm sure I can upload soon! I hope you liked this chapter, I know I had a few ups and downs with getting it written. Tell me what you think, I would love to know what you think of Maxx and what you would do if you were able to help her. Just give me your opinions, I know I'll learn from them all :)

Also, don't forget to like The Battle Within on Facebook! You can talk with me or post on the wall what you think is going to happen or what you do or don't like. Who knows, if enough people like it there can be whole conversations just for you all :)

~Oscar