The Battle Within (Discontinued)

Bones Are Beautiful

February 7

     Weeks passed slowly, marked by how severe my hunger pangs were each day. Some days I enjoyed the empty, light headed buzz I would get. It meant I was getting even thinner, closer to perfection. Others I would double over, gasping for breath as the hunger gnawed at my insides.

     I hadn't realized it had been three months since my diet started until I found an old picture of Damin and I in front of his locker. I had snapped it on my phone, he had his arm over my shoulder and we were both making stupid faces. That was the day before he asked me about my scars. And the date reminded me of how much self control I had gained since then.

     I remember looking down at what little of our bodies the picture showed and smirking. The Maxx in the picture had a soft belly, she was fat. I looked down at my stomach then, lifting my shirt and smiling. It still wasn't small enough but it was a little achievement.

     What really made me happy was the fact that I could now see my hip bones a little. They slightly poked out, stretching the fat in my skin to make me look thinner.

     Bones are beautiful.

     The sight of my own bones made a little voice in my head smile and tell me, "See? You can be beautiful. Just ten more pounds and you will see those beautiful hips. Skinny is nice, but bones are beautiful."

     After that I started exercising much more. No matter how tired I got or how much my stomach would scream at me or how much my muscles hurt. I ran a mile and a half every day and did at least eighty sit ups. I would do more if I didn't feel like vomiting.

     Most days I only did eighty.

     I also ended up restricting my diet even more. A single meal a day, no small snacks and all I ate was a salad with vitamin pills. If they had calories I wouldn't have eaten those either.

     After my meal I would go to my room and do my homework. But no matter how hard I worked my grades were dropping. I wanted to be perfect, for people to love me, but I was failing my classes. I couldn't take it.

     With each 'F' on my report card I would punish myself. Maybe I wouldn't cut myself, I had enjoyed that too much to consider it punishment. No, I would shove the back end of a toothbrush down my throat and vomit until I was puking water and blood. Or I would take laxatives and feel my insides burn and clench all night until morning. This was how I would punish myself or get rid of excess food. Still, it was a punishment for eating.

     Kids stared at me in the halls. I couldn't tell if it was because of how hollow my cheeks had become and how thin my hair was or because they were in shock and awe of how skinny I was. I made myself believe the latter. Because, who would worry over the fat girl? No one.

     My arms and legs got thinner. My thighs didn't touch anymore and my arms didn't giggle with excess fat. When I first saw my ribs I was ecstatic. I was a little closer to my goal.

     And the closer I got, the more I worked out, the more I counted calories, the more I starved. Because starving is self control, right?

                                                                      ~Maxx

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Please tell me what you think :) I love hearing from you guys and I really hope you like this. I will try to update soon but it's getting close to the end of school meaning lots of tests! I'll update as soon as possible I swear.

~Oscar