Thoughts

On Hating U.S. History and Falling in Crush

At the beginning of my sixth grade year, I was everything you could get from a pseudo angsty tweenager. Girl drama, wanting to be liked but failing to do so, trying to figure out if this Jesus dude and his Dad; who, lets be honest was kind of a dick, was going to pan out. So to the beginning we go. 

I was, and still am not, a big school person. The idea of getting up at 0645 to go to a building for eight hours just to fuck about "learning". And while, I'll admit, learning basic math and the history of the United States is useful, I fail to see the use in every day conversation of knowing that the Thirtieth President of the United States was Calvin Coolidge, and he pretty much left the country in ruins after the roaring twenties to fuck over Herbert Hoover.  

As I grew older and actually starting taking classes I was interested and passionate about, my outlook on school changed little, but  now I understand why I fucking hate U.S. history. It was  because it was taught by fucking imperialists with a very pro-U.S. view.

On a completely unrelated note, while writing that, I got distracted by a piece of string and tried to tie knots. It took me almost thirty minutes to write that small little three line excerpt. Back to hearing about an angsty tween.

 I think looking back, Sixth grade was the most important time in my overall short and uneventful life. It was the time that I had my first real crush, had my first (and to this  point only) romantic relationship, if you could even call a one week long hand holding affair a relationship. And it's where I met, to this day, one of my best friends. She was the first, and only, person that I said I loved without having to think about it. I love her to the ends of the earth and would drop everything for without hesitation. You know who you are. She introduced me into a period of my formative years that  would affect me (and still do to this day). 

So lets fast forward to 2012, beginning of my 7th grade year (I think, like I said, everything's fuzzy and it's almost 4am.) The day that would colloquially known as "September" to me and a small group of friends was quickly approaching, and I was falling ever so fast into a really deep crush. Unbeknownst to me, that crush would be obliterated on that day and would be swept up and placed in the friendzone. Looking back, I understand that I never had a chance. Honestly, I wouldn't want it any other way. 

I don''t remember much of that school day. Most of the daily grind stayed. Getting on the bus at 720, getting to school at 740, dumping my shit off at my locker, meeting with the group of girls that had begrudgingly put up with me over by the shady elevator, shoot the shit for twenty or so minutes, go to class, almost fall asleep, and later rinse and repeat until school let out at 3:07 exactly, go home and try not to want to kill myself. I'm surprised I lasted this long. I was what you  could consider depressed. But coming from a poor family, mental health support was out of the question, let alone me knowing and being able to identify what  the fuck was/is going on inside my head. It's hard to put  a numerical value on something like that. I had retreated inward so badly that I devolved  an online gaming addiction, which to this day still materializes at times. Most days, I would get home, start up my computer, lie about not having homework, and game late into the night, well beyond what is reasonable. 

I really regret not enjoying those days more.

But the days leading up to  28 September were slightly different. The church group, whose leader had insisted on me becoming a leader due to my pseudo knowledge of the bible, was starting a festival to bring people together and to God. Needless to say, I used this opportunity to get completely and utterly shut down.

At the time, I was entirely and deeply in crush with a girl we'll call Louise. She knew this, because she had asked me. She had a crush on someone completely different. She didn't tell me originally who it was, but after a while I had started putting two and two together and got an answer of the irrational value of negative Pi. 

I was never really good at math.

After this, I had been crushed. I didn't want to accept it, and I was hurt. Louise and I had sat on one of the baseball field bleacher seats and talked about stuff. The particulars elude me. I will say that it allowed me to open my eyes and realize that despite my ideas to the contrary, that she was a real person with real issues.  It was at that point, in that moment, that I had realized that I cared immensely. The rest of the night is kinda foggy, as towards the end of my night I was hit in the temple with a football. 

I don't recall what happened the rest of the night.

What I do recall, is that mine and Lousies' friendship was forged for good on that day. I would be, and still try to be be, completely and totally honest with the girl that I had decided I had loved. 

While looking through our old conversations, I realized how much I hurt afterwards. I was insanely jealous over someone I barely knew, and I took that out on the people around me. It wasn't healthy, and still isn't for the most part. But as I grew older, I understood better why and gained an appreciation for what it had become. 

To end this longer than I planned chapter, I want to leave you with a few things from Just before Christmas of that year.

thank u so much for telling me that. it means the world to me. im sorry i didnt respond right away i hadnt checked my email. i truly wish i couldnt be hurting u so much. i seriously am sorry and i cant even begin to tell u how i know how it feels.
u may not know it, david, but its true. i do know how it feels to have ur heart get smashed. it feels like ur dying am i right? but trust me, we can be friends. and i thank u for being my friend.it seems i cant tell u anything.and thanks for reading my book :) its just a way of me expressing my thoughts my feelings and whats on my mind.im also sorry about lance. i know also how it hurts to have someone u love to love someone else. but do know i try my hardest not to hurt u. i hope u know that.sincerely,louise

I learned a lot from Louise. I think she learned a lot from me too. 

"It's like this," I could hear Louises' familiar warm voice coming through the 1's and 0's on screen, and feel it resonating in my chest. "when you fall on the ground, you don't force yourself to fall. It's kinda like love. You just fall."

"I think you could relate to that." 

Just remember, it's not  the fall that kills you it's the sudden stop at the end.

Fair Winds and Trailing Seas, my dudes.