Thoughts

Peanut Butter and Happiness

Just as a preface before I start, I'm not sure how much I'm going to be able to update and keep writing this personal narrative. I'm off to bigger adventures and I just won't have time. 

Let me tell you about a day that will live with me for the rest of my life, September 28th 2012. 

Now for most of you, it was just day 272 of 366 and was most likely a slightly above average warmth day. But to me and a few other people it changed a lot. It changed how I looked forward. How I learned to grow, and that life would go on.

So where do  I begin? Over that year, I  had been in I think 8th Grade? Maybe 7th? I don't remember and the details are kinda fuzzy (I'll get to why in a moment) But It started on a Friday Afternoon, and the youth group I had been apart of was holding a festival similar to the ones that are held during the summer, and as a "Leader" I was tasked with helping out which I had no objection to. I hurriedly got off the bus, went into my house, and changed into what I would be wearing for the rest of the night. I grabbed my shitty  not even flip phone, and left the house. I went down to the local park and met up with Louise, whom I have mentioned before but we'll get into more detail about later, and we talked for a little bit. She had asked if I had liked her that day, and I said I had. She didn't like me though, she said she liked a guy named Hunter, who was a good guy but completely not her type. I was crushed, and I understood why she said what she did, because she didn't like me. I don't blame her, and I would've felt the same if I was in her position but hindsight is 20/20.

Fast forward through the day, and night had fallen and I had a little bit of teenage depression, and Louise had come up to  me and we sat on one of  the benches over by the baseball diamond, and she did that hand walk thing towards mine, and I wish I would've capitalized on that moment, but it didn't feel right. we talked about things that evade me now, but in the moment I realized that  I had more than  a Crush. I realized that I had a friend that through thick and thin would stick by me, and damn did I stretch that limit with her.

Fast forward to a Valentines day dance that same school year, she had asked the guy that she had a crush on to a dance, and It fucking ruined me. I said some things that I really regret now that I looked back. I  did some dumb shit and I violated her trust, and I still feel like shit for it. But I'd like to think that we've moved past it and have a better relationship because of it. 

The guy we called Lance would become her first kiss, and I was happy for her. I might have been jealous but her happiness was more important to me than anything. If she felt that she made the right decision, then good for her. I would get over it, and be happy  for her. 

Fast forward again to the middle of our Freshman year, she had told me that we can't be friends anymore and didn't talk to me for almost the rest of the year. If anything hurt me it was that.

I cried that entire hour afterwards. I'd  like to think that I'm not an emotional dude, but it hurt. I thought about what I did, something I did wrong. Could it be that she just thought I was trying to  get in her pants? I wasn't. I racked my brain for anything I did, and I came up blank. I think it was almost 4 months before she would even start talking to me. She didn't tell me until recently why it was. And it wasn't until about a week before the end of the year that she told me she was moving. I wrestled with what it meant, we would stay in contact for most of my sophomore year, almost not at all my junior year, and only towards the back end of my senior year. I had let her slip from my mind, I had let September go, and I felt like I had lost her. 

I hadn't.

Christmas my Sophomore year, I told her that I loved her. I try to tell her that as often as I can now that we're close to each other again. I never stopped loving her, even when we didn't talk. 

Louise, I know you're reading this. I love you. I joined the military because I love you. I will be back soon. I love everything about you. 

I guess I should wrap this up. I'll leave you with my happiest memory of her.

One of the first times I had spent the night at her house, we had watched Fight Club and went to bed, we had shared one of  the beds  together because her former house mate had taken over the entirety of the bed she usually sleeps in. We stayed up until four am talking about nothing of real importance, and gave each other back rubs and were just in each others company. It was completely non sexual, but I feel like that night we had something special. Something that would transcend distance, and whatever paths we would take. 

For whomever  has read this far, Thank you for what you've done. Louise, I love you. I know that words don't mean much, but anything I can do for you to show it I'll do. Even if it means walking to your house at almost midnight drenched in sweat, and talk to you about how shitty everything has gotten. You mean everything  to me. I mean that with every fiber of my being.