Thoughts

On life, Death, Taxes and Singing

When I look back on myself, the friends, and enemies that I had made over the past six years Only a few really stick out.

After September, life became uneventful. The daily grind still continued, and life went on. Louise would fall deeper in crush with the  enigma named Lance and I would try to claw my way out of the friend zone, only to be stuffed right the fuck down at every opportunity. I became hostile at points, I said somethings I really regret saying, and I apologized for it. I'm not sure how Louise felt at this time, maybe I'll let her write her perspective for you. 

Me and Louise grew closer as the days became weeks and years. I told her that I loved her, and she said she loved me back. She, even though I put her through things no person should put another through, still cared enough about me to try to make amends. Things were getting better, and I started realizing how much and how deeply I had cared about this lanky, thin, white as snow freshman from Bumfuck, Nowhere. 

And then she moved.

I often imagine what things would have been like had she not. how different of I person we both would've been. How much  things would be different, whilst staying the same. But that never happened. We saw and talked to each other increasingly less often. I think it was a function of us becoming different people and the physical distance between us. I don't blame her for any of this, but it just comes down to we were different people. I wish that It wasn't true, but there's no changing the past. But as an saying goes, if you love something, let it go. If it really loves you it'll come back.  Louise did come back. And things were marvelous. 

While she was away doing whatever the fuck you do in Central Wisconsin. I found my passion.  Singing.

Yes, the allegedly gay kid decided that the best way to avoid getting bullied was to join Choir. Which in retrospect probably wasn't the smartest Idea, but what's done is done. 

I should  also add that I am not gay and I definitely like the females. 

After Louise had left, I had once again felt truly and entirely alone. There were some things that had gone down during my freshman year that had put a lot of strain on our friendship, and I was afraid. I learned how to accept what had happened and continue going forward. I put my work into Concert Choir and becoming the Best I could be. I dove head first  into it and the community.  It would turn out to be the best decision I would make over my four years in High School, but I wouldn't really get the significance of it until my  Senior year. Without being too gushy, I would put the past year in particular like this. A few quotes from my Senior Yearbook

"[You] will always be my brother in hart and in  church. (church is not as important tho) (you could  be an atheist for all I care)" ~Isaac

"...You are nowhere near [being a statistic] for me..." ~Stacey

"...you're not just a friend, you're a part of  my family..." ~Gabby

"... and even thought it was 1 year, it was the best year of my life..." ~Paige

My goal in life, buy and large, has always been to make an Impact. My goal has always been to have someone be able to say something positive about me at my funeral. I've made my mark on this community, My choir, and the people around me. I wish I could say more, but I can't articulate how important these people were and still are to me.  I think it resonates (ha get it because sounds resonate and music is sound) with me because I felt so alone for a long period of time. I find as we're approaching school that I miss it. It's crazy, and freshman me would've stabbed me for saying it, but it's true. I miss the people I was around in concert choir, and I miss the daily  grind of being able to tell the assholes in the room that their wrong and be able to stand up to the people of authority. 

Next on this trainwreck of a story; Why I joined the Marines and why I didn't follow through.