Thoughts

So no shit there I was

It was the day after my 19th birthday. It was a Saturday,  I think. I don't really remember. What I do remember is being on hold for the suicide hotline.

It was one of  those nights,  I guess.

I think It was technically the 27th of July, but I  don't think that counts or matters for that fact. What does matter is what I did on that day. 

I thought about ending it. 

I really want to try to not romanticize this, because it wasn't pretty. It's not some 13 Reasons why bullshit. It's  not some tragic love story about how I loved and lost. 

It's how I felt totally and utterly alone. 

I'd been at Fort Bliss for just under a month at this point. I had gotten to my unit. And I was doing alright. At least I thought. I had made a few friends, or some people to talk to on a more regular basis. I was happy to  be out of training, and ecstatic  to be out in the real Army.  I was crazy about not having to have a battle buddy where ever I went. I have a room to myself, a roommate I never see, and I  thought I was okay. I had a small mental breakdown at AIT. And I thought I was getting better, I was on the upswing. It all came crashing down on my Birthday. I was 19, and I thought I would be okay spending it away from everyone. I didn't tell anyone it was my birthday, because I thought it didn't matter. I was late for PT that day. We went on a run and I sucked on it. We went to the gym as our daily routine for those two weeks. I went home and slept my birthday away. I didn't have any money, friends, or desire to use either on that  day. I woke up around 0900 on the  26th feeling disgusted with myself. I wasted the one day that people had cared  about me. I went into a thought spiral that was really destructive. I don't remember eating either of those days. I guess that's kind of my way of knowing that I'm in a bad place.  I don't realize it in the  moment, but afterwards, I guess it's a tell.

I woke up late on the 26th after squandering another day in my pathetic life. I got up, sat on my bed and thought to myself I could end it right now. Nobody would know until  Monday. I could do it in my Closet, shut the door before hand, and nobody would have to  know. I called the suicide hotline. I talked to a woman for almost an hour about how lonely I felt. But I couldn't bear to tell her it was self inflicted. I couldn't tell someone that I did it to myself. I could've done it. But I didn't. I don't know why. But I'm still here.

I miss you.