Just Tired

1: I'm so Sorry

I have an endless amount of things that I need to say to you. Now that you're gone I guess this is the only way I will ever get to. You went from being my neighbor to being my brother. I'm so grateful for all the fun and crazy memories. I'm so thankful that you chose me to be your family. I miss listening to you talk shit about any and everything you could. I miss listening to how proud you were to tell people that I'm your little sister. How protective and defensive you would get, like any new person needed to know you had my back.

I'm so fucking lost and confused. Why would you do this us? To your mom? To James? The boys? To ME? I can't process it because I don't understand it. You made the wrong choice. You had so many options, why did you choose the one that hurt so many people? I'm so fucking mad at you! I know it's selfish but I was suppose to have more time. You were suppose to help James and Mark teach Abby all about what boys to avoid, which I'm sure according go the three of You the answer would have been "all of them".

You were suppose to teach bubby how to ride and work on Harley's. You were suppose to be HERE! What happen to all the half cocked plans we had? All the adventures we were suppose to go on? All of our kids growing up together like we did? Finally settling in and having the boys more? You had a fucking plan Michael, and you were almost there! Why the fuck would you just abandon all of that? Why would you abandon all of us? 

Little Lily. I was convinced that I would always be her favorite, but you just had to burst that bubble. Lily loves you so much, thankfully she's old enough to carry her memories of you. But she is also old enough to understand that you CHOSE to leave us. What happens when Lily finally asks the question "why didn't uncle Michael love us enough to stay"?

Would you still have made this awful choice knowing the hell you were going to put that little girl through? The answer is no, if you would have just thought about the aftermath you would have made different choice. I know for a fact that you would never be okay with being the reason peanut or any of the kids are in pain. But you didn't think of the mess you were leaving behind. I don't care if it sounds selfish, these kids deserved to have you around for the big moments in their lives. How could you rob them of that? How could you take their uncle from them.

Why didn't you just come out and tell SOMEBODY that life had gotten that bad? Did you not trust us enough with your demons? Did you think we would judge you for feeling so low? We wouldn't have, we would have helped you. We would have told you how much better our lives were simply because you were in them. We would have told you how proud we were to be your family. How genuinely happy we were that our children were lucky enough to have an uncle like you.

The days were always better when you were around. The kids had more fun, James relaxed more, Mark laughed louder, Mary was more outgoing, I was more social. You brought out the very best in people Michael; you brought out the very best in life. 

I was so fucking proud to be your baby sister, I use to brag about you to anyone who would listen. Now, I don't feel like I lived up to my end of the deal. Now I feel like I didn't earn the right to call you my brother. I'm so fucking angry at you but mostly, I'm just sorry.

I'm so fucking sorry that I failed you. I'm so sorry that I didn't do more. You told me that you were really fucked off, but you said you would get through it and be fine. "I've been through worse" you said.

I should have came to you that day! I should have sat and let you tell me all the shit that was bothering you or hurting you. Instead I finished my shift and drove home. I knew when I spoke to you that day you seemed off. You said you didn't want me to come get you because you didn't want to be a buzz kill. Yet again, you told me you would be fine. I said I would call you when I got off and I didn't instead I sent you a 6 word text "Hey, am I picking you up"?