39 Days

One More Chance

I can't believe how much of my life has played in mind. I still don't know what is going on. I don't get it. I'm starting to get nervous, I want to panic, but I still cannot move. Just like every other day. All I can do is hope to catch a small grip of life again, I want to do more with my life. I want to be free from this never-ending dream; whatever it is.

What I'm seeing almost looks like I'm in a blizzard, something's there but I can barely see. The snow covers what's ahead, although I can catch little glimpses here and there.

"Hi Rose..." I hear faintly, "I know you can hear me."

It's Ian, I know it. His voice sounds a little scratchy, he sounds exhausted.

"Mom why are you still sleeping?" My sweet little innocent Bella asks. My only reply would be that I don't know. I wish I knew. If I could move at all I'd chuckle at her silly question. I heard Tessa mimic Bella. I would cry right now if I could, not being able to hold or talk to my girls. My mind becomes heavy with these saddened thoughts and I never felt more alone than I do now. Everything on the outside is normal but I'm stuck inside of my mind and I only have myself to go to with all of these blurred questions, which I can't even answer.

"Now that I'm alone Rose, I can say sorry. You don't deserve this. You'll be okay, you'll be at home in no time, you're going to get through this. This was never supposed to happen," I can hear slight sniffles in his shaky voice, "you were too good for me."

That was all that I heard before the cries took over him. He was really hurt. Something really bad just happened, but I'm the only one who doesn't know.

...

"Rose, I wanted to protect you. I never wanted you to grow up and do things on your own. The days got so long after you told me to leave you alone that one day. If I didn't love you I wouldn't have told you to leave Ian a long time ago..."

Yep, that's my dad. Never liked Ian, but I didn't care.

Honestly, that's the thing I don't like about my dad. He is incredibly stubborn, and driven. Being driven in his case hasn't done him good.

He was so driven to protect me and keep me under his wing forever, he never wanted a single thing to touch me; or my heart I should say. My feelings were out of my control when it came to anything he didn't like, and he never saw how bad it made me feel. He made me feel so guilty and almost doubtful for being with Ian. He made me feel guilty about wanting to be on my own, to experience my own feelings. But in this ongoing amount of time I've felt so many emotions that at this point I'm becoming so exhausted, I wish it was different so that I wouldn't have to suffer so badly through this beautiful and traumatic experience. The worst part about it is, I'm going through all of this alone when I don't even know how to cope with it.