love in the 21st century//jancy

21.

nothing kills a man faster than his own head.

Mike is fine. That's the important part.

Nancy sat for hours in the waiting room with Jonathan, Will, and Holly while she waited for answers, and when a doctor finally came out and told her that her brother was fine and just resting, she was so overjoyed that she got up and hugged him, then hugged Holly, Will, and Jonathan. She clung to Jonathan a little longer, whispering "thank you" over and over again because she didn't know if he would ever understand how grateful she truly was.

The next part was what she was worried about. While she sat in the hospital room next to a sleeping Mike, she had to call her parents. She held her brother's hand, dialed her mom's number, and listened while Karen Wheeler yelled at her, and then slowly, her shouts turned to sobs and she promised to be on the next flight out. She said she loved Nancy and was glad she was okay, but Nancy knew that there was an underlying hatred that her mother held for her for taking her little siblings out of town and allowing this to happen. She would hear about it later.

Nancy did not blame her mom if she hated her. Nancy hated herself a lot right now too.

Really, only family was supposed to be allowed in the room, but the hospital was close to empty and the doctor felt so bad for Nancy that he just let everyone else come in to stay with her until Mike woke up. Holly sat on Nancy's lap while Nancy held her close with one arm and used her other hand to play with Mike's hair. He looked so cold and pale that she couldn't stand to look over at him. All her fault. She was the reason he had those scars on his wrists, the reason why he had tubes coming out of him at all angles.

While they waited, she dialed Lucas's number and informed him about what was happening, and after several "holy shit's" and more screaming and questions, Nancy told him she was too tired and too emotional to talk, but everything was okay, and they would be home soon.

Will fell asleep on the window seat after a few hours, and Jonathan sat next to him and let his little brother rest his tired head on his shoulder. Jonathan was close enough so that his knee was brushing the back of Nancy's chair, and she could feel the heat of him. She looked back at him and forced a smile, and he returned it. She could see in his eyes that he was debating what he should do, and finally, after a long several seconds of silence, he reached for her hand, and she squeezed his tightly and allowed some of her tension to roll away.

"You wanna show me some of those pictures now?" she asked, once Holly had fallen asleep.

Jonathan looked startled by the question. "Oh...um...I can, sure." Carefully, so as not to disturb Will, he dug in his bag and pulled out what appeared to be an album. She noticed that his hands were shaking slightly as he opened the book and started flipping through the pages, and she wished that she could calm his nerves. A lot had happened today, and she probably wasn't making it any better.

"Here's a few that I took at night from the science building," he said, pointing to some photos on one page. "And here's some from the park, some from a play I went to see, and some from the bar when I'm not working."

They were all beautiful, as if she was standing there watching the moments taking place in them -- the moon hanging solemnly in the sky, people laughing at one another's stories, and old women feeding birds in the park. It was like he was capturing something that disappeared in the blink of an eye, a fleeting moment that could only exist in one's mind, and he was documenting beautiful, normal, extraordinary things for all to see. For all to feel. She wasn't sure if it was the pictures or the emotional exhaustion of the day, or both, but she had to wipe tears from her eyes and shut the album.

"They're beautiful, Jonathan," she said with a smile. "Thank you for sharing them with me."

"You're welcome. Um...I didn't mean to make you cry..."

She shrugged. "It wasn't you. It's just...you're doing a really beautiful thing, with all those candids. What about the ones of me?"

"Oh. Um..." She could sense his nerves, see the blush creeping along his neck and into his cheeks. As strange as it was to admit, she was oddly flattered by his behavior. She had never flustered a boy to the point of blushing and stumbling over words. "Yeah, I can show them to you. They're some of my favorites."

He flipped to the back of the album and handed it back to her, staring down at the floor as he did so. Nancy's eyes scanned the pictures, and she felt about as nervous as he did looking at these snapshots of her life. But he had been right all along. She had looked tragically sad.

One of them was a picture of her and Barb sitting underneath a tree and studying together, and Nancy's head was thrown back in laughter. It was the only one where she looked natural and carefree. Every other time she appeared tense, like she was hiding something she didn't want anyone else to see.

"I guess you understood me better than I understood myself," she said softly, running her fingers over the pages.

He shrugged. "Like I said, it's just easier to read people that way." He looked up at her, his eyes connecting with hers, and she managed a smile, which he returned. Under the dim hospital lights, he looked tired and beaten down, but he was still beautiful in a way that Nancy had never experienced before. A beautiful that he did not have to try to accomplish; it was just what he was. She felt her heart flutter, and she turned her attention back to Mike.

"I want to thank you again for finding him," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. "Any later, and we might have...might have lost him."

Her shoulders shook with sobs that she was desperately trying to hold in, and she placed her forehead against Mike's and held his hand to keep herself from falling over the edge.

"The important part is that he's gonna be okay," Jonathan said, placing a hand on Nancy's arm. "Everything is gonna be okay."

Nancy felt movement from underneath her, and she pulled away quickly and watched as Mike stirred, his eyes fluttering open just barely as his head swiveled to the side to look at her.

"Nancy?"

The walls came tumbling down, and Nancy allowed herself to cry now, which woke Holly and Will up. She buried her face in her hands, wiping away tears, and then lunged at her brother and wrapped him in a tight hug. Holly joined in, jumping on the side of the bed to reach Mike better, and for that one moment, it felt like they were all okay, and nothing had really happened. They were all just so overwhelmed with love and affection toward one another that nothing else mattered.

But then, Mike grumbled in pain, and Nancy was brought back to the harsh reality that they were living in. Her little brother had just tried to commit suicide. Jonathan had found him with slit wrists, bleeding out on top of a strange building. Now they were in a hospital, where he was recovering, and he would have to go through even more hospital visits from now on. Their family was broken, and Nancy had no idea how to fix it.

"I'm so glad to see you," she said, gripping his hand and pushing his hair from his eyes. "I was so scared, Mike, you have no idea. I was so scared we wouldn't find you --"

"You weren't supposed to. I didn't want you to."

The strength in his voice, the resilience, threw her off, and she could barely form any words. But then he broke down, turning his head away from her as he sobbed, and she jumped onto the bed with him, maneuvering around the wires so that she could hold him. She swore to herself then that she was never going to let him go, even if it meant never going back to school. She was going to do everything that she could to make sure that he was safe and happy.

"I'm so sorry, Nancy," he cried, the words muffled as he buried his face in her hair. He looked drained of all life and completely exhausted and weak, like the corpse of another person and not her little brother. "I'm so so sorry..." She could feel his hands trying to grip her, to hug her just as tightly as she hugged him, but he did not have the energy. He was slowly fading, about to be in another deep sleep, in a more peaceful and blissful state than the hellish reality she was living right now.

"Don't you dare apologize to me, Mike, because this is all my fault, and I just wish I could have done something for you..." She trailed off, sniffling, unsure of what she was trying to say. She didn't feel like there were any right or appropriate words for the situation, so she just kissed the top of his head and held him closer. "It's okay. We're gonna get you home. And I'm never gonna leave you to deal with anything alone again. I'll keep you safe."