Random weird thoughts I have

I'm sorry, lolol

Trigger warning, probably. Lots of mentions of self harm and self hatred and stuff, lolol. Sorry

Soso I've been writing this book for a while now, trying to keep it souly positive content and stuff because you know, I want this to just be something my readers can come to and maybe smile a little or something (though you probably don't anyways lmao) but I need to rant a little, even though I already have in a few past chapters, and come clean, I guess.

I feel disgusted in myself for ever single bit of this lmao, like I'm an idiot.

I am an idiot for doing this

I cut myself?
I started in seventh grade or somethung, and no one new, originally I only did it once. One cut just to see myself bleed because the blood was so pretty, and I found it entertaining. Then I started cutting more,,, I don't remember why, all I know is that I was really sad because I was being yelled at constantly or something lmao.

Which feels stupid, I'm such a crybaby.

Well, after a little while my mom found out and she and my dad obviously were upset, and finally decided to put me into therapy (which my dad took me out of as soon as I was in it bc money :))

Well, after seventh grade, obviously summer came up and I was happy because I didn't have people dragging me down.
Eighth grade was worse
And I cut more, but did my best to help my other friends with their stuffs, ignoring my own, lmao.

After eight grade was over, again the summer was okay. I didn't get sad as often because I didn't have people pulling me down and stuff, but then ninth grade came along.
High school
My first year of high school
That I failed :)
Because somehow I'm a fricken magnet for depressed people. For people who do nothing but sulk, or make me feel bad about myself.
And then I pretty mucn lost all of my friends because of schedule changes, and my anti-social self refuses to make new friends because I'm scared to.
So I kept on getting more and more lonely, and sad, and I cut more, and stayed up late crying (because I'm a crybaby) and thinking.
My parent constantly arguing and being very close to a divorce didn't help at all.

I almost forgot to mention, I had a really great internet friend during most of my nineth grade, who I called Alex.
He talked ttyl me every day during class, and tried to help me feel better, or at least five me suggestions on what to do.
Well now I'm going into tenth grade which I'm terrified about because I failed ninth grade so I probably won't graduate anyways, and he's gone.
He left the app we talked on without even telling me beforehand and I,,
Idk
I feel a lot lonelier and helpless lately.

I just
None of this probably even makes sense because I can't think straight, but basically I'm having a really hard time with school and I feel like no one listens to me
So I had to rant.

Sorry lmao,,,,