All I See is Red

chapter 45

Boston's POV

I can't stop the video playing inside my head. Replaying it over and over and over again. Every time I hear a loud bang, it sounds like a gunshot. I have to sleep on the fucking floor because my bed is too soft. I see the way Red looks at me. Like she's afraid of me. Afraid that i'll go off on her, afraid that i'll hurt myself or possibly even her. I don't want her to be afraid. But I want this pain deep inside me to stop hurting even more. So, I take another drink.

"Bos?" her voice asked me.

"Hmm?" I said and set down the almost empty bottle of whisky. I need more. My head is not fuzzy enough.

"A-are you okay?" she stuttered. She stayed by the door tentatively, not coming any closer to me.

"Yeah," I shrugged. "I'm just fine and dandy alright," I gave her a smug smile.

"Boston I need you to talk to me, or not to me, anyone really," she pleaded. I could see the sadness in her eyes from all the way over here.

"Well, how would you be if you had to see hundreds of people die? If you had to be the one pulling the trigger? That's where i'm at right about now," I shrugged again and picked up the bottle, bringing it to my lips. Maybe I shouldn't have said that. Fuck I don't care. I need more whisky. I downed the rest, slamming it back down on the table.

"Boston, please," she cried. Wait she was crying? Fuck i'm drunk.

"Is Carmine asleep?" I asked and stood abruptly.

"Yes," she answered as I fumbled for my keys. I was drunk so it was harder to find them. "Where are you going?"

"I need more alcohol," I yawned, still trying to find them.

"No you can't drive," she protested.

"Well, i'm going to get more, so you can either help me or go get it for me." I looked at her and crossed my arms in attempts to be stern. But then I laughed. I don't know why.

"I think you've had enough," she said, but tears were still streaming down her face.

I took a step towards her and she stepped backwards. I felt my face turn into a frown. "Why are you so afraid of me?" I dropped my hands to my sides.

"I'm not afraid of you," she shook her head.

"Then why won't you come here?"

"I'm afraid of what happened to you, i'm afraid of how it's changed you," she sobbed. I took another step toward her and reached out, pulling her into my chest. "Please just talk to someone," she said quietly.

"Fuck," I sighed. "I don't need to talk to anyone! I'm fine!" I don't know why i'm yelling. I didn't mean to yell at her. She pulled away from me and started to back away. "I'm fine," I repeated.

"Well you're not the same person that left here a year ago," she said and wiped her face. God she was so beautiful, I missed her so much.

"Well you aren't the same wife I left here a year ago," I shrugged. Why did I say that? I just was thinking about how I missed her, why would I insult her? She did nothing wrong. Oh well. I saw her face fall. I just shrugged and looked to my right. "Oh, there are the keys," I grabbed them and started walking towards the door. "I'll be back later, maybe," I added with a laugh.

I'm such a dick. Who cares? I know I don't.

I awoke the next morning with a pounding headache. I was on the couch somehow, still dressed in last nights clothes. What did I do? Fastest way to cure a hangover, drink more. It's five o'clock somewhere. I took a shot before standing up and stretching my back out.

Red was at work I assumed. I slowly made my way to the kitchen and ate the first thing I found. Then I made my way upstairs. My muscles hurt. Jeez what the fuck did I do?

I came around the corner and almost had a heart attack because Red was cleaning our room. She stopped when she saw me, her face expressionless. She was wearing a tight shirt and barely there shorts, with her hair up. She looked so beautiful. Yet somewhere deep in her eyes she seemed almost afraid of me.

"Why aren't you at work?" I asked. That was the only thing I could think of to say.

"I'm off today," she answered simply.

I feel like an asshole. I should apologize. I don't even remember what I did last night, but it probably wasn't good.

"Oh," is all I said. I walked past her and grabbed clothes from the dresser before going into the bathroom without another word.

I'm such a fucking asshole. Fuck!

When I came back into the bedroom she was sitting down with her head in her hands. Her head snapped up when she heard me. Her face was red with tears.

"I'm sorry," I blurted out. "I'm so sorry."

"Sorry doesn't just magically fix everything," she sighed and wiped her face.

"I know," I said, kneeling down i front of her. "I'm going to try, okay? I'll go to counseling, i'll get better." She finally made eye contact with me. "Please forgive me."

It took time for her to forgive me. Eventually I stopped having nightmares and quit drinking. I went to work everyday with Chad and we talked about what we saw and how it probably fucked me up for life. I got over it. I got closure and accepted the fact I took lives out there.

I rebuilt my relationship with my daughter. I rebuilt my marriage. I grew wiser and we grew closer together. Sammy looked up to me so I had to be a role model and get my shit together as fast as I could.

Mom got remarried. Bella was almost four. Time had flown.

I look back on my teenage years and how I took everything I had for granted. I had no meaning in life and Red brought me back. Red is my life now and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

If you would have asked me when I was seventeen if this was how I imagined my life to be, I would have said fuck no! Now those days seem like a lifetime ago. It seems like a million years have passed since Red told me John had beaten her and she needed my help.

All I saw was Red that day and that's all i've ever seen since.

She's the love of my life, my soulmate. I owe everything to her. And from this day forward I intend on trying to repay her.