[4] Breakeven

1 - Picking Up The Pieces

1 - Picking Up The Pieces

I wandered through the busy streets of London, just biting my lip as I cried silently. The conversation with Laura had gone surprisingly smoothly, she was great to talk to, and by now, since it was getting dark already, she was probably talking to Kaylie already. I shut my eyes close as a tear rolled down my cheek and I realized I had nothing left from that past life anymore.

I had no idea of what to do next, of where to go to for help, advice, or just to have someone listen to me – which I found myself in desperate need for. Laura had been great, but after I had stepped out of that house, she was nothing but part of my past. She had to be, just like everything else, for me to be able to move on.

It was not that I was alone. I had several people waiting on me. But I knew that as soon as I went to them, I would have tons of questions shot my way, and I would have no other option than to answer them. And I did not feel like answering anything at the moment. I was not even sure I had the answers.

Everything in my life was just a messy blur and I felt like talking to someone who had no idea of what I had gone through, what trailed behind me, so they could not judge me. I wanted to talk to someone to whom my slate was clean, white, and empty. The least I could handle at the moment was judgment.

I was so caught up in my own thoughts that I bumped into someone. I blinked a couple of times to bring myself back to reality before looking up to the person, ready to apologize. “Oh, I am so sorry,” I blurted out right away, completely ashamed for having possibly hurt the other person.

“It’s okay, are you okay?” the blonde woman asked me, concern written all over her face. And I was tired of that expression, of having people concerned over me. That was the reason why I had pushed my parents away. They had split up when my sister, brother and I were young, and now they wanted to make it up to my brother and me by pestering us with attention in their miserable attempt of being good parents. A bit too late for that…

I nodded lightly as a response before looking down to see the baby next to her, on the arms of a young man who I assumed was her husband or partner. I was everything but okay. Telling a stranger that was not the best option, though.

“Hey, I know you,” she stated happily and I turned back to face her.

“Do you?” I inquired a bit taken aback. She did not seem familiar. But I was in a dark place right now, so my memories and my clear judgment was on a bit of a halt for the moment.

“Yes, you were friends with Eleanor and Kaylie. You were Niall’s girlfriend as well, right? I remember seeing you some time when we went out, not so long ago.”

I gulped, trying to get the lump to fade away from my throat. But having my life defined so easily and shortly hurt me. Because it was true, that was all I had become.

I used to be a friend, a sister, a student, a girlfriend. And now, I was not even that. My sister was gone. I had pushed my friends away. Not Kaylie, Laura and the other girls and the lads that were part of One Direction, but my friends. I had pushed away my best friend and the other people I hung out with before meeting Niall and the other lads and girls. It had been months –literally- since I had seen my best friend last. I had missed out of university for a while now.

My perfect runaway came along with Niall. I meddled with him and he got my mind off everything. I was happy with him, everything seemed easy and perfect. Just that it was not. The only reason why I saw it so simple was because I had completely let go of a side of me. I had buried it deeply inside my darkest memories and had forced myself to be happy, since that seemed to be the only way I could be happy lately. And Niall had buried a part of himself as well. The relationship had been going great because both of us got rid of those parts of ourselves we did not like.