Like A Bad Boy

~Chatper Sixteen~

            The first time I’d ever experienced heartbreak was at that moment. My whole world felt like it had crumbled down. It was a horrifying feeling; my face was numb and my legs felt like jelly.

            I just collapsed right then and there. Sirens wailed all around my body. Uncontrollable sobs wracked my body and my ears were ringing.

            It was my fault. I was a terrible friend and I did nothing to help.

            It was my fault.

            It was my fault.

            It was my fault.

            It was like a broken record, replaying over and over in my mind. I couldn’t stop it. Endlessly repeating and repeating.

            I had barely noticed the letter that was slipped into my hand, my tight fist. Her messy handwriting, her beautiful, messy handwriting, was scribbled along the fold of the paper.

            My vision was blurry, I couldn’t see what it said, but I knew. I knew exactly what it was. But I was scared. I was too scared to read it. I was scared that I knew what it would say.

            Indiana this is your fault. You were a horrible friend. I couldn’t take it anymore.

            She hated me. This was my entire fault.

            Short breaths entered and exited my body; I was hyperventilating.

            I did it. I killed her. This was my fault. Everyone would hate me. I would hate me. Gabrielle hated me.

            But she would’ve wanted me to open this letter. She would’ve wanted me to see what was inside and read the words she wrote. I had to read it. Even though I knew that I’d be at blame, I had to give the respect to read it.

            Squeezing my eyes shut, I began to fold open the crisp tear-stained paper.

            I love you all. I didn’t do this because of anything any of you did. I did this for myself. I wanted to be free. Don’t take guilt, because I truly don’t want you to. I love you.

            Mom, I’m so sorry. You’re the best mother I could’ve asked for. I’m so sorry for everything I’ve put you through, because I know you’ve been through hell and back for me. I’ve always been a complicated case and I regret everything I put you through. You never gave up on me, you rarely snapped. Your patience is extraordinary. I’m always going to be with you, I promise. I love you so much. You’ve raised me to be the best I can be, and that’s what I was. But I wasn’t good enough. You’re the most incredible person I’ve ever known and that’s not a lie. I love you Mommy. I’ll always be your little baby girl.

            Daddy, please forgive me. I didn’t want to have to do this, but the pressure was too much. You know how much I love you. There’s no way I could’ve ever repaid you for how you’ve cared for me over these years. You’re amazing. I had a life that most people dream of; two parents who love me so much; a house to come home to, and food on the table. Don’t think of this as a way to blame yourself, because this is in no way your doing. I feel horrible putting you through all this pain, but I can’t bear it anymore. Just remember, I’ll always be your Gabby and you’ll always be my Daddy. I love you.

            Indiana, I’ve cut you out these past few weeks. I know I never gave you an explanation. I was embarrassed. I’m so sorry for not telling you what everyone else knew. You were there for me through so much, so much that nobody else could’ve helped me through. You weren’t just a best friend you were a sister. I’m so incredibly lucky to have had somebody like you to help me through my life. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you guiding me through. I know I wasn’t always the best friend, or the easiest to deal with, but you stuck with me. Thank you. You were always an amazing person, a role model for me. It was amazing having a figure like you in my life. You know I love you Indiana.