I Don't Volunteer As Tribute [Hunger Games parody]

Goodbye

"I guess this is goodbye," Sandwich muttered, taking a big sip of his 'just water'.

"I do hope that you win," Iffy gave me a tight hug. Her plastic-flamingo dress brushed against my leather jacket.

"Thanks," I smiled and parted. I watched Iffy and Pita embrace as I rubbed my hands against my army-green pants. Earlier, Cinnamon braided my hair to the side and made me squeeze into the pants, dark blue tank top and leather jacket. For Pita, he had given him a buzz-cut, a white t-shirt and blue shorts. He looked like Caillou [google search him].

"Good luck," Cinnamon gave me and Pita a fist-bump each. "May the oddballs be your favourite flavour." Cinnamon showed me a yellow bag reading 'oddballs'. He popped one into his mouth and put one into my palm. I looked at the corn-pop-look-a-like, then tossed it into my mouth. It tasted like dust and sweat.

"Is the oddball your favourite flavour?" Cinnamon asked eagerly.

"Yup."

"Yeah! The oddball is in your flavour!"

I stepped into the elevator and Pita went into his. It started to rise. I waved at my friends for the last time and took a deep breath. This was it. Survive or die. I glanced up to see that the light was getting brighter. And before you could say "muffins are evil", the elevator was at the top. I stepped out and it whooshed back down. I looked around. I could see twenty-three other contestants on separate platforms. One of them being Pita. Everyone was eyeing the centre. I followed their glances to see a house-like thing.

PING!

I saw a person being projected over the house.

"Welcome y'all," it called. I instantly recognized the face. It was 'June', the mother from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. "Now... I'm gonna count from ten, then this game is gonna start and- ALANA! Don't eat all them cheez-puffs, let me eat some!"

The projection started chewing.

"Ten!"

I bent down like a person getting ready to run on a marathon.

"Nine!"

My eyes darted to all the other people.

"Eight!"

They aged from at least ten to about nineteen or so. A younger girl was shaking.

"Seven!"

I inhaled. Think of a plan, Catnip, think!

"Six!"

Run to the house, them grab the weapons that are potentially in there? Or should I try to knock down a few people so I could get a head start?

"Five!"

The guy next to me was fat. Maybe I could knock down Tubby.

"Four!"

I snickered at the Tubby thing. A few people looked in my direction.

"Three!"

I quickly stopped giggling and bent down again.

"Two!"

Deep breath.

"One- ALANA GIMME DEM CHEEZ-PUFFS!"

I zipped towards the centre as June's projection head dissolved. Others had the same plan as me. Knock 'em down! I got close to a girl -probably fifteen- with bouncy blond pigtails and a pink dress, she was a Sterotypical girl. I bumped up against her with as my strength and didn't stop to watch her tumble to the ground as I zipped towards the house. I targeted a guy with no shirt on and shorts. Once I was in front of him, I turn my head to see him, even though I was still running. He had caramel-blond hair that spiked up to perfection, a perfect twelve-pack, and such glorious abs that they can't be called abs. They have to be called abcde's. His face was beautiful, too. It made me want to leave team Jacob and join team random-dude-that-I'm-supposed-to-kill.

I stopped running.

"Sup," I gave him a duck face and posed.

He looked at me down and up. "Girl, did you take a bath in rainbows and cupcakes?" [tell me in comments in you know where the pickup line is from!!!]

I giggled and watched people run ahead of me to the house.

"Let's go out," he smirked. My insides melted. "But first..."

No.

"Let me take a selfie!" He whipped out his phone and took pictures of himself posing. "Noooo!" I sliced him in half. From head to toe, he was two parts, they flopped to the ground.

"NO MORE SELFIES FOR YOU!" I breathed and ran towards the house. A bird-like sound filled by ears and a picture of that dude was shown.

"George McCork," the June voice sang. "District three!"

I saw a younger girl -probably ten- at the house opening the door. I tarted towards her and grabbed her hair.

"Please! Stop!" She begged.

"Never!" I roared and with the other hand, I gripped her neck. "This is a competition, you deserve to die!" She dropped dead. I heard the bird chirp and looked up. In the same place where June was projected, a picture of the little girl I strangled.

"Rita McWuzgunadie," [mc-was-gonna-die] the speakers screeched. "District 8!"

Guns-that-don't-stop-shooting District.

The projection showed a 22/24.

I stepped into the house and saw a pile of powerful guns that could easily kill two people with one bullet and was simple to use. Then I eyed the pathetic bow that even if I did shoot someone, it wouldn't even wound them. I grabbed the bow and ran away screaming.

"May the oddballs be in my favour," I whispered in between screams.