I Don't Volunteer As Tribute [Hunger Games parody]

I Dont Volunteer As Tribute

I looked straight into Iffy Tinkle's eyes as she put her bony, jewelry-covered fingers into the bowls of names written on slips of paper. I dug my hands into my younger sister Pimprose -or Pimp for short.

Iffy licked her wrinkly, lipgloss covered lips as she held up a slip from the girl's side. This was the Hungry Games. There are thirteen 'groups' in our society and ours is #12 the muffin-baking district. I think our district is the most deadly and dangerous, comparing to places like Murderer District or Fire District or anything else. You see, the Major City is full of rich, bratty, entertainment-craving people. So they made the Hungry Games. It's when one boy and one girl from each district is chosen randomly to compete in this to-the-death competition.

Pimp placed her petite fingers on my hand and squeezed it lightly. This was her first year to have her name in the draw, while I was seventeen or eighteen. I'm not actually sure because I never saw the Hunger Games movie... um *cough, cough* I mean, um, Hungry Games.

"The girl is..." Iffy Tinkle announced into the microphone. "Lady Gaga!"

Relief filled my body. A girl from the audience cheered and ran over to Iffy. A guard tapped Iffy's shoulder and whispered into her ear. Iffy grabbed the microphone.

"Um, sorry," she bit her lip. "There's been a... complication." Lady Gaga's face dropped. "Boy's names are not allowed to be in the girls bowl for the Hungry Games... sorry, Gaga, you're disqualified."

Lady Gaga stormed off and Iffy shoved her hands back into the bowl. I could feel Pimp start to shake. I closed my eyes.

"Pimprose Never-Klean!" Iffy yelled. Panic filled my body. Pimp started screaming. Guards seized her, she kicked and struggled to break free, but they were obviously stronger. They carried her to Iffy. I eyed my best friend Gayle Ginger and went over to him. I watched Pimp shake in her fuzzy hat, thirty-pounds-worth-of-chains, Jays, sunglasses, too-big shirt, and saggy-bum pants.

"Ah well," I said. Everyone in the whole district was silent, their mouths open, they raised their middle finger to Pimp and farted four pitches. This was the sign of respect. But Gayle and I were talking normally. "She may be a total shrimp that'll die, but whatever."

"I liked her, too bad though," Gayle agreed.

"It's not like I'm going to say 'I volunteer as tribute'," I laughed at my own joke.

"'I volunteer as tribute'?" Gayle snickered. I laughed with him.

"I volunteer as tribute," I chuckled.

"No," Gayle gave me a serious face. "I volunteer as tribute."

I looked around at everyone, no one was really looking at us. Just still staring open-mouthed at Pimp.

"Ok, I volunteer as tribute," Gayle challenged.

"No," I whispered and stood up straighter. "I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE!"

Everyone whirled around and looked at me.

"What's your name?" Iffy said through the microphone.

"Catnip Never-Klean!" I yelled back, because it's illegal to not answer any Major City-ians.

"Ok, Catnip Avadean, do you volunteer as tribute?"

My face dropped. "No! I was just talking to my friend and-"

"Catnip Never-Klean volunteers as tribute for Pimprose Avadean!" Iffy smiled.

Guards seized my arms and dragged me to the stage. Pimp scrambled away to her gang. "Ms Iffy, I-"

"Now for the young men," she smiled to the audience and ignored me. She grabbed a name and leaned towards the microphone.

"Pita Bread," she read. I know him!