I Don't Volunteer As Tribute [Hunger Games parody]

My New Guyfriend's Ballz

I trotted away from the lifeless dead body of Slenderman until I saw that same girl with bouncy, blond pig tails. I stopped in my tracks. We stared at each other. I squinted. I didn't have my glasses...

"There you are," I sighed and put on my glasses that were on the ground. I put them on, but when I looked again, she was gone. I snorted and went in the separate direction. Tweet!

"Rosy Jarkinson," I looked at the screen. It projected a girl who looked like a total slut-bag. "District 6!" I guess she knew Slenderman from the mining district. It projected '17/24 people left!'

I climbed up another tree and got a better view. June's head appeared.

"District one still has both tributes. District two has both tributes as well. District three has lost George McCork, because he couldn't seduce Catnip Neverklean. District four and five are all good. Six lost Slenderman Izfake and Rosy Jarkinson. Well, I never bet any money on them to win this year, so it's all good... anyways... seven is good. Eighth lost Rita Wazgunadie. Nine is good. Ten lost Harry Styles. Eleven lost Gabriella Slutsworthson. Then twelve both survived, because they're the main characters."

June popped off. I jumped off the tree branch and walked towards where I (thought) the house was.

***

I found a stream and wiped the sweat off my forehead. My hands cupped as I scooped up water and brought it to my chapped lips.

"I wouldn't drink that if I were you."

I looked up to see combat boots, short-shorts and an army-design crop top. I sucked in my breath. Her stomach was flatter than Miley Cyrus' personality. Don't be hot, don't be hot, don't be hot, or else people won't like me anymore! I raised my eyes and saw her. I gripped my bow tightly.

"Gabriella put bleach in the bank over there," she motioned behind her. "Trying to poison everyone. Luckily, I saw her. Then I saw a dude come and shoot her." I chewed the inside of my lip. She had red-orange hair straightened to perfect, dark eyebrows, long eyelashes, plump lips, and a ski-slope nose. She also had a mole above her lip on the right side. One flaw!!!! Haha!

"Oh," she rolled her eyes and quickly grabbed my hand and pulled me up. "Let me introduce myself. I'm River. River Gone. I'm from district ten.

A gasp escaped my mouth. "You poor girl!"

"What? The fact that my district is full of Pennywises or that my husband Harry Styles just died?" Her eyelashes did look stuck together as if she had been crying. I licked my lips and hid my blood-stained hands behind my back. Don't tell her.

"Who are you, if you don't mind me asking?"

"Um... Catnip," I slowly murmured.

"Didn't the announcer-lady say Catnip Neverklean killed George McCork?"

"No! She said Cat...piss Nevaweenie did. I would never kill someone."

"Same! But those people from district twelve! I teamed up with Kevin Ham, but he ended up being shot by that same dude who killed Gabriella, and he told me that the girl from that muffin-baking district killed three people al-"

"Four, actually."

"And the guy is torturing rather than killing! If I ever see one of those people, I will rip their throats out! And I'll do it extra painfully, 'cause I don't usually kill."

I kicked a rock as we walked along the stream.

"Oh... um, what district are you from?" She started walking. I followed.

"District... six."

River sniffed. "I thought that everyone was already eliminated from that district," she thoughtfully noted.

"I mean district nine. Used-needles all the way!"

"Um..."

"Sorry. I just get six and nine mixed up. 'Cause, you know sixty-ni-"

"Hey! Look! I think I see someone!" River pointed across the stream.

"Let's go kill them."

"What?"

"Let's go greet them."

"Ok," River cheered, and we crossed the stream. The cool water tickled my ankles, burning them a bit from the bleach. River's combat boots when from dark brown to black because of the water.

"Hi," she smiled to the guy. He whirled around. He was Asian and had gelled black hair, and wore a red jacket and black jeans. "We're making a team."

The guy was holding a lamp and an inflatable green yoga ball.

"Wanna join?" I twirled a strand of hair around with my finger.

The guy slowly nodded. "But don't kill us," River warned. He scoffed and chuckled.

"I'm River," she flirticiously gave him a smile. "River Gone, and I'm from District ten." She blew a gum-bubble and it popped, splattering over her nose and mouth. Smooth.

"And I'm Catnip. I'm from... District... nine."

His eyes narrowed. Uh-oh. He's from District nine, too. I gulped.

"I'm from district five. Leech district," he cooly said and sat down on the yoga ball.

"What's that?" I pointed to the ball.

"A big, bouncy inflatable green ball," he buzzed.

"Why do you have it?" River questioned.

"Why do you not?"

Silence filled our ears. You could only hear the splash of the stream... so I guess it wasn't really silence.

"What's your name?"

"Ry Anne," he huffed. "Now can we please GTFO this stream? My little lamp doesn't like it."

He only had one lamp that he was holding, and it was big... oh. OH! EW!!

"I guess we could look around to team up with other people," River offered.

"Ok. Teehee," Ry giggled.

"Heh," I piped up. "What do you call an annoying pepper?"

Ry started stroking the ball in a creepy manner.

"Jalapeño [hal-ap-en-yo] business!"

River stared at me. Whoop! Ry threw the green ball at me and I fell to the ground.

"No," he dramatically whispered.