I Don't Volunteer As Tribute [Hunger Games parody]

Two Best Deaths

My feet ached as I ran into the forest. The low crunch of pinecones and sticks snapping filled my ears in the eerily quiet forest. So far, I had only killed Rita from District 8 and George from District 2 in the last twenty minutes of the game. I heard a scream, followed by the low chirp, then the familiar name calling from June came on the speakers.

"Gabriella Slutsworthenson," June cheerfully announced. "District eleven."

I started going faster towards a tree that I could climb in. I hooked by arm around it, then grasped for dear life. Once I was up, I sat down on the gnarled branch and peered over the treetops. I saw two figures running out of the house, a group of people huddling, a stream, more trees, and other stuff. Why were they so many people together rather than being independent? This was just like me back in District 12; everyone my age was dating, heck, some were even married! Even Pita had a girlfriend -his cousin Sue. I was the only person who didn't have someone... but that might be because I never wore deodorant and my armpit hair went past my knees.

I touched my waist and brought it slowly up to my armpit. The memory of my happy armpit hair flooded back, I smiled. But then the ugly truth poked me -Leroy cut it. And now they smelled... fresh! EW!

Another chirp sounded.

"Kevin Hamm. District seven!"

Psychopathic district.

I heard a snap of twigs and stopped breathing. Someone was here. I quietly slide farther up, that way I could shoot them from above. My legs felt weak with all the effort to go up in slow motion and to be careful. Quiet. Suddenly, a glass was thrown from somewhere and made a shocking voltage of noise. Then, a marching band played from the tree. Whoever the person was, they didn't seem to notice. I saw a flash of brown hair. A radio turned on and played at full volume.

"Shh," I barely whispered to the band and radio.

"Hello?" The person muttered in a terrified voice.

Idiot.

I drew my bow in front of me and aimed, only seeing the curly, brown hair. This girl was going to die! It might even be more fun to see the look on her face while I kill her. I jumped off the branch onto the forest floor. She froze.

"Put your hands up," I growled. She raised them. "Now turn around."

They turned around. I looked at her from top to bottom. She had on grimy shoes, tight skinny jeans, and a loose v-neck. This girl had no shape to her body. She barely had any boobs. I looked at her curly mess of hair then to her face, and furrowed my brows. She had dimples, perfect teeth, a cute nose, and blue-green eyes. She was what ever guy dreamed of having. Except one problem... she was actually a man.

"Please don't kill me," he begged with a British accent. Maybe they're in District nine. Lots of people liked the idea of a used-needles district, so they chose to live there, even Brits.

"Too late," I groaned.

"Wait," he cried. "I haven't said goodbye to my Boo-Bear or-"

"Who's that?"

"My girlfriend! Please don't. I have so many songs to write, so many artists to copy off of, so many music videos, so many girlfriends to punch for writing a song about me, so many haters to destroy, so many fangirls to make death-threats to people who diss me, so many random girls in the bar to have se-"

I blasted the pathetic loser's head. His brain splattered onto the ground. Tweet!

"Harry Styles!" June yelled. "District ten!"

I gasped. What have I done? This couldn't be happening. Why did it have to be me to kill this man? He... he... he's from district ten! The Pennywise District [google search it, but beware: it's an evil clown]. I couldn't care less if it was Harry Styles. He's a total

ERROR! THIS SECTION HAS BEEN DELETED BY WATTPAD BECAUSE Of ALL THE ANGRY FANGIRLS WHO WILL ATTEMPT TO MURDER THE WRITER.

And that's why I thing he sucks! I kicked his lifeless body angrily. A twig snapped and my head whipped up. I squinted and saw a figure from far away. Everything seemed dark and spookier all of a sudden. I blinked, and the figure was gone.

"Hmf," I huffed snobbishly.

I turned around and smack against something. I lost balance and tumbled to the ground. My head faced towards whatever knock me down. All I saw was a black suit. I sucked in my breath.

"District six," I whispered. They liked dressing up, even though they're the mining district.

"Shh," they hushed me. My eyes fluttered to their face. It was white... whiter than Kristen Stweart, and they had no facial expressions... just like Kristen Stewart. In fact, no face at all! And they had noodle arms double the length of a normal person.

"W-who are you?" I tried to get up, but I was in too much shock... who could be more creepy than Kristen Stewart?

"I am Slenderman," they declared in a demon voice.

"So," I bit my lip. "That means you're a boy?"

"What? No, I have no-"

"Because you have no face or hair to tell if you're a guy or girl. Wait! Do you have a ding-dong?"

"What?!"

"I guess you could also be called Slenderwoman, 'cause you could just be one of those girls with small boobs."

"Small boobs? I-"

"But Slenderman makes more sense, in a way."

"Shut up, already!"

I clamped my mouth shut.

"This is the Hungry Games! You must die!" He did an evil laugh. "Any last words, girl?"

I slowly nodded.

"First of all..."

He sighed and rubbed his forehead.

"My name is Catnip, not "girl", and second: how can you kill me? You have no weapon. Your hands are like noodles, so you can't strangle me."

"I can do... stuff," he bash fully rubbed his shoulder.

"And why are you called Slenderman? Doesn't Slender mean fit or skinny? You don't seem fit... you're like a stick. Wait- are you anorexic?!"

"N-"

"I knew there was something wrong!"

"How do you even know?!"

"Wikipedia," I held up my conveniently placed laptop. "Plus... how can you talk? You have no mouth. And how can you breath? Ooooooooooh! Maybe you breath through your butthole! That makes sense."

Slenderman groaned and took a bow from my hand. I tried to get it back, but he held it up too high.

"No!" I cried, I couldn't die, yet!

He stabbed himself to death. Tweet!

"Slenderman Izfake! District six!"