I Don't Volunteer As Tribute [Hunger Games parody]

Interview

"So, miss Never-Klean," Mr Salad said into his microphone. "Are you excited to be either brutally killed, or be able to live, but be forced to train future-contestants?"

"Of course," I gleefully smiled. You could hear it echoing through the stadium. Iffy had told me to be nice, positive,and to try to not fart during the interview. She also told me to lie so that they like me.

"And can you tell me your opinion about your district?"

Lie.

"I love it. No one is lazy and act like bums."

"And am I correct that District 12 is the... muffin baking district?" Mr Salad aimed the microphone to my mouth.

"Yes, District 12 is the muffin baking district. A very deadly and serious matter. Thousands of our districts people die because of it. And not from burns or anything. It's from the muffins themselves."

District one was the firework district, two was knife distinct, three murderer district, four is chemical, five is leech district, six is the mining district, seven is the psychopath district, eight is the guns-that-don't-stop-shooting district, nine is used-needles district, ten is disease district, eleven is Pennywise district, we are the muffin-baking district, and then there's district thirteen. But it was destroyed in a bombing.

"Other districts get it easy, Mr Salad."

"Please," he bit his cherry-red, lip balm covered lips. "Call me Caesar. You know I'm Caesar Salad. And that makes me even more delicious, exciting and fresh."

I nodded as if I understood a word that the idiot was saying and watched him smirk like a fool. "Can you show the audience your dress," he pulled at the shoulders. "Show us how it went into flames."

"Oh, um-"

"Because you've earned yourself a nickname. The Ugly Girl On Fire."

I blushed. "I just need to twirl around." The people from the audience applauded me. "Show us again," Caesar urged.

"No, I-"

Caesar twirled me around. The familiar burning-agony sank into my skin. Pain seeped through the pores on my face. I screamed in a high-pitched voice that should belong to Alvin the chipmunk. I kept screaming for half a minute until the pain died down.

"Beautiful," Caesar noted to the audience. I looked down, the fire had burned off the stomach-area of my dress, the rest of my dress was all burnt. My stomach was gushing blood, a few intestines were hanging loose, drips of released stomach-acid slid down my leg. I smiled to the audience, then a mouthful of blood came spilling out of my mouth like in the 'Royals' music video.

"I'm a doctor," someone shouted. "I'll save you!"

"Please," I raised a hand to silence him, then wiped my mouth. The sticky, red gloop from the mouthful of blood slithered under my fingernails. I grabbed the intestine and lifted it to my face. I smiled at the wonderful smell. I guess that Liam-Payne-shaped cookie that Leroy had given to me had been going through it.

"I think you need medical help," they urged. I could see them a bit more. Cotton-candy hair, drag-queen makeup, bad clothes, etc, everything on a typical male Major Citian.

I pursed my lips.

"I even have my supplies with me. And I definitely don't have them because I do illegal organ transplants in my garage," he eyed the guards quickly.

I glued my blood-smeared pointer finger to my lips to silence them. "Puh-lease!" I lowered my hand and raised my hand with the intestine towards my neck. I wrapped it around like a scarf and danced around. A few people in the audience vomited. Caesar started clapping.

"Wonderful, just wonderful," he smiled and gestured to the exit. I blew the audience a kiss- which resulted with blood splashing the front-row of people. My heels clicked, leaving a trail of Leroy-cookie-smelling intestine blood.