I Don't Volunteer As Tribute [Hunger Games parody]

I Donno

The fire blazed and gave me warmth under the leather outfit I had on. I ran my dirt-covered hands through my clean hair, letting all the lice and bacteria flutter through. With my other hand, I stroked my head and pulled it away.

"Wow," I puffed. "My hair is dirty." I started slowly unbraiding it, one twist at a time. I noticed Ry snuggling his lamp.

"Shouldn't we put the fire out?" River licked her lips and hugged her knees. Was she crazy? "Someone might see the smoke and come while we're asleep. They might be a complete monster and try to kill us."

"Good idea," Poo stood us and reached for the bucket next to Ry. He hissed at her, but she took it and headed for the stream. I waited until she was gone.

"Ok, guys," I rushed to speak. "I'm hungry, Ry is hungry, River is hungry-"

"So is Little Lamp and the big, bouncy inflatable green ball."

"Yeah, ok. So, why should we keep that kid? It's just another mouth to feed."

"Good point," River leaned back. "But we can't abandon her."

"Then we'll ask her to go."

"Just give her another chance. If she messes up, then I will personally tell her to leave," River concluded.

"Hey guys!" Poo's voice rang. "I have the bucket. And I also found three people while I was there. So I told them that they're apart of our group without your knowing or agreement!"

Ry, Little Lamp, the ball and I looked at River. "Fiiiiiiine."

"I have a better idea," I stood up and walked to Poo. I stroked her hair. "Did you know that Ry is a pervert?"

Ry gasped, Poo stepped back. Her eyes were wide with shock. "And River is an idiot who will probably end up killing all of us by mistake. And I am a cannible who-"

"I'm leaving," she hesitated to go back and get her jacket, but just went in the opposite direction.

"Great strategy!" River exclaimed once Poo was out of sight.

"Perfect," Ry sang. "You're an excellent liar."

River gave me a hug. "Thanks for getting rid of her with those lies."

"Those weren't lies. I wasn't even trying to get her to leave. I just wanted her to know that stuff," I explained. They ignored me. The sound of shuffling leaves filled our ears.

"Hello? We're from the stream. Is someone there?"

"Here," River called. I reached for my arrow as they flooded into view. There was a girl who looked a lot like Emma Stone with blond hair, an Asian girl with a short bob, and a guy who looked like a younger Brad Pitt. Emma Stone smiled.

"Where's Poo?"

"Um. We kicked her out," River confessed. Awkwardness never tasted so sour. "We're kinda a democracy group."

"Seems fair," Brad Pitt said in a deep voice. He had on cargo pants and an army shirt. His sneakers were wearing out, and his hair was either perfectly gelled, or full of grease -I couldn't tell.

Short-hair stepped towards us. "Let us introduce ourselves. My name is Kitty Sanderson, and I'm from District two," she shook our hands. Knife district.

"I'm Marcus. Marcus Mucus," Brad Pitt coughed up some phlegm and spat. "From District two, also."

"And I'm Vergina Collins," Emma Stone sang. "From District one, the firework district."

"Isn't it Verginia not Vergina?" I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah, but my parents wanted me to have my nickname."

"And what's that?"

"Gina. Gie-nah. Like Vergina. Everyone calls me Gina."

"I'm River Gone from district ten."

"I'm Ry Anne, from district five."

"And I'm Catnip Neverklean from district... something."