The Altercations With Purity

For the Sake of Purity

It's been a week since Casey was released from the hospital, but she still felt the same. The nightmares haunted her sleep, her guilt haunted her waking moments. She had no peace from her mind and she had no one to share her thoughts with. No one that would understand. Elizabeth and Emma were comfortable with their purity, but Casey wasn't. She didn't even consider herself pure anymore.

If she didn't have Baylor, she would have gone crazy. He kept her sane, grounded to the Earth and away from her thoughts. She tried to spend as much with him as possible, but the Beast wanted her to stay surrounded by the girls, by him. He knew something was wrong with her, but she didn't let him in. Casey gave him excuses about her wanting to be alone, she lied to him about her nightmares. He could sense that she wasn't the same Casey that left the hotel.

Casey didn't even try to lose the pregnancy weight, it just fell off of her. She lost weight faster than she gained it from all the stress she was causing herself. She was close to fitting into her old clothes, something that also concerned the Beast. He tried getting her to eat more, but she went back to small meals that she never finished.

Whenever she was forced out of her room, she sat behind the desk at the office and waited for customers. She kept the radio on as she did her crossword puzzles, always listening for some mention of the Fear Monger or herself. She listened to the news give a full report on Agent Eva Starling and what cases she'd been a part of. Casey was impressed by her arrest record and could tell that this woman was going to be trouble down the road for them.

Richards never went into the hotel that week, so whenever she wanted to talk to him, she had to wait for his car to pull up in front of it. Casey always started the conversation the same way, "Why are you pure?" 

And Richards always answered the same, "My mother and her boyfriends loved to beat me." 

Then Casey would confide in him. She told him to keep quiet about the money she got from her supporters and he agreed, never asking why. They talked about Clark's funeral and how he left everything to a girl named Olivia. He vented to her and she would talk to him. They were a weird support system, considering their history, but it worked. He never told Elizabeth anything they said and Casey didn't either.

So here Casey was, sitting down in Baylor's nursery on the bed, thinking once again of how she was responsible for the death of two good men. Elizabeth burst in, a skip in her step that she's had since her and Richards made up. "Hello, Queenie!" Elizabeth said, calling Casey her nickname for her.

"Hello. You don't have to call me that. It was a chess analogy, nothing literal." Elizabeth rolled her eyes and threw a box on the bed.

"Open it." It was a good sized box, only wrapped with a red bow. Casey opened the box slowly, not looking forward to whatever was in there. She opened the box to find a white dress inside. 

Casey pulled it out to get a better look at it. The dress was a pretty simple little dress that ended just before her knees. 

"I picked it out." Elizabeth told her. "Per the Beast's request. I have one too, except I chose a sexier fit. I also chose Emma's, but it's more like yours."

Casey folded the dress back in the box and smiled at her. "Thank you. It's very pretty. Why did he tell you to buy us dresses? How did you leave? Aren't you wanted?" Elizabeth laughed and laughed down on the bed.

"Nope. Police wrote me off as a prank. They were so busy with the bomb threats that I was pushed to the side and never fully documented as evidence. Or something like that. Richards made me disappear."

"That's useful in a boyfriend." Casey said.

"Ha!!" Elizabeth squealed. "That's hilarious! I'm going to tell that to Richards." Casey didn't really see the humor in her comment, but didn't speak. "Anyway, about the dresses, the Beast is having a feast tonight and we are all invited. Hehe, Beast is having a feast." Casey smiled at the girl's way of amusing herself.

"And he wants us to wear white?" Casey asked, doubtful that this was his idea.

"I chose the color. White is a symbol of purity, right? And we're all pure. So what better color to wear?" 

Casey pushed the box away from herself. "I'm not pure. Not anymore." Elizabeth crinkled her eyebrows in confusion. 

"What? You don't just stop being pure." Casey shook her head, sad at how wrong she was.

"Yes you can. I'm not pure. I've never been pure. Purity is not real."

Elizabeth pushed herself up so she was holding herself up with her elbows."Casey, what are you talking about?" Elizabeth was starting to worry where this conversation was going. She liked Casey and didn't want get going down a path of no return.

"We are not pure. We're broken. We've been hurt before the world, but that doesn't make us better than the rest. We are no different from the impure."

Casey didn't know where she was going with this, but she let her mouth speak the words she'd been dying to say. "We are just looking for a reason why our abuse happened. We don't believe that the world treated us fairly so we look for a meaning behind our pain. We need to believe that our pain had meaning and it didn't just happen to us. So when someone comes along and says we are meant for a higher purpose, we believe him with all our hearts. We don't question what he asks us to do, we don't care about the acts we're committing. We just do them, all for the sake of Purity."

Elizabeth listened to Casey, thinking over what she said. Did she really do that to feel special? "But you've seen what he can do." Elizabeth said, unsure what else to say.

"Yes. But I've also seen what I can do. And it's just as bad." Casey's thoughts flashed back to Clark and Mr. Benoit's dead bodies in her nightmares. The Beast caused pain, but she could too.

"So what are you saying, Casey? I don't want you to go."

Casey turned to face Elizabeth. "What I'm saying is that I am not going to wear this dress and pretend to be something I'm not. But you have nothing to worry about, I'm not going anywhere." Casey felt her lie slip right out of her mouth effortlessly. She wanted to comfort Elizabeth and if lying was the way to do it, then so be it. 

"Don't tell anyone what I said, okay? Not even the Beast. It'll be our secret."

Elizabeth thought first before she answered. "Hmm, fine." Elizabeth answered, moving off of Casey's bed so she could get ready. "You'll still have to come to the feast, though. Take a shower, get ready, and I'll do the same. See you in an hour?" 

Casey nodded, not moving. "Thank you, Elizabeth. You're the best rook I could have."

Elizabeth winked and left the room, leaving Casey to her thoughts, which was never a good thing. She put the box with the white dress on the side of the bed and went to look for something to wear. She wanted no trace of white clothing on her. 

"I am not pure." She whispered to herself. "Purity is a state of mind."