Siemba ; Unwritten

Four

Lotus

At least a week has gone by without me speaking to Howard... And to be honest? I'm okay with it... It feels normal like nothing has happened and I'm loving it.. I've been spending allot more time with Angelo and Amir. Well I spend most of my time with Amir, but this is the first real time I've ever spent with Angelo that was longer than a few minutes... And he's actually great... well, to me at least. We've talked about everyhing from myself, all the way to why he doesn't have any parents...

The one time I've witnessed him cry...

We were sitting in my room just talking until sun up... I layed on my stomach clutching my pillow to my body as I usually did due to my constant feeling of lonliness as he layed next to me, reading my journal. I watched him as a look of curiosity washed over his face.

''You have conversations with your father?''.. He asked so low I could barely here his voice, but I decided to answer anyway.. ''Yes...''

''But he's dead.''

''I'm aware Angelo..''

''I thought that was only in movies? Who all knows?''

I could always tell him the whole book is a lie... But he could always find out from Amir that I lied. I'm no lier. So I told him anyway...

''Amir, Kennedy, and my mother knows.''

He scrunched his eyebrows before scoffing at me, ''Howard doesn't know?''

''Howard isn't the type to have super deep conversations yet, so no, he doesn't.''

''Why not? I mean ain't he ya' boy and all? You supposed to know everything about ya other half...so I thought...''

''He can't handle all of me yet, this isn't about us. Stop asking or we just won't talk about anything.''

''Well I wanna' keep talking...''

''For what? To tell me why you're so much better than Howard for me?''

''No matter how much better for you I am than Howard, it's you who has to see it for yourself before anything happens with you or myself. How are you able to see your father if he's dead? Can you see other ghosts too?''

''Yes.. It's a gift, with him dying while I was so young, I had the ability to see... and it never went away..''

I layed there silenced for a while as Angelo thought silently to himself. Mama had told me about all the stories and how she really felt it was time for him to come home to God... Everything you could think of had happened.. Shootouts, illnesses, robberies... all of it. She felt that it was his time to go, yet once he did go, she couldn't take it. My silence was broken when I heard a few sniffs... It was Angelo.. It was dark, yet I watched him move closer towards me and catch me in his grasp. Gripping and holding me close to his chest before he took another low breath. Being his friend, I kissed his forehead and spoke softly into his ear.

''You wanna' talk about it...?''

I felt him nod his head before he began to spoke...soon turning the whole mood around.

''It was a little after Amir let me meet you, a day or two. I was in the living room watching TV and I heard 'Pops yellin' from upstairs about how he thought my mom was cheating again.. I thought it was just another argument. He always made up these accusations when he was drunk 'cause he was so insecure about his baggage and bullshit. I ain't even sweat it 'til I heard thuds.. All'at shit was normal besides the fucking thuds... Aoki (aye-yokee), my older sister, came to get me 'cause she was scared. I pulled her into my room and shut the door before crouching down behind my bed... Soon hearing the door bust open, we listened as my mother told him that he can't hurt us and to hurt her instead... Telling him that she loved us more than anything and that we're worth her dying over for her mistakes.. He told her that if she did anything to hurt him he'd blow her brains out before she tried to tell him he was only drunk.. I listened at he cocked the gun back and listened to my mom's sobs... She musceled up the strength to scream out that she loves us and won't ever stop, and once the word sorry left her mouth, 'Pops pulled the trigger and split. Ain't seen him since. But Aoki and I saved up for an apartment and moved on with our lives...''

I had it better.... It's one thing to not know your parents and have them taken... and its another thing to be 15 and watch them be taken from you as well... I layed there with Angelo and let him hold me while he silently cried into my neck... he sniffed before speaking.

''Thank you...''... the only two words he spoke the rest of the night for a few hours... We spoke little childish things and jokes to one another until he spoke up with a question I hadn't necessarily expected. ''When were you raped? It says here that you still have nightmares... BabyGirl you're traumatized.''

And now... It was time for me to tell another one of my stories...

''I was raped twice growing up, once by a girl when I was four, and then by a guy when I was eight.''

Thinking back on it, I always feel extra stupid knowing that I was raped and I'm always forced to blame myself for letting it happen... But I was forced and I was little... Yet now that I'm older, I'm not too fast on doing anything... Especially now answering this next question.

''How'd they do it? Well... Get you to do it?''

''The girl used a spoon and her fingers... a cooking spoon... And the guy used himself and his fingers... y'know... force...''

''How did you do it?... With the nightmares and never having someone at all times... It sounds hard, really hard...''

''Not having somebody here with me for comfort made the nightmares worse... I always kept Neveah, she's been there through everything. She's the stuffed animal I know I'm never getting rid of... I had Amir over the years.. He's always made sure everything was alright with me before anyone... My mom made sure I was okay but I can't just tell her how everything isn't normal.. She's got enough on her plate and-''

''Let me help you out.''

''I ain't no little kid Angelo. This real life.''

''Has Howard been able to handle much of this inner you?''

''He doesn't know much of it...''

He layed there with me silent... He gets mad when he finds out Howard doesn't do much, yet he's the one who asked. I can't just tell him flat out that Howard doesn't do nothing cause he hasn't gotten a chance too just yet...

''I'm gonna' tell him piece by piece as we go when he's ready..''

He looked down at me and even through the dark I could see his grey and green speckled brown eyes clear as day.. Only speaking a few small words before I drifted to sleep..

''Let Me Be There For You....''