Jam & Jelly

I'm Worthless

Chapter Seven: I'm Worthless-

(Kean's POV)

I sat on the living room couch, my gaze trailing off to nowhere in particular. My knees were up to my chest as my heavy head nodded off here and there. I let out a long yawn, forcing myself to stay awake. I could no longer tell if my vision was blurred from my tears or my watering, tired eyes.

I can remember it all; like it's a flash through my memory yet I can grasp every detail. Down to the very first day Ellie came to me, when we first made love, when Sammy came out of the closet, my first Friday night football game with Erin and Ellie- everything. It took a while until I realized that Ellie was sitting next to me, rubbing my back with her soothing hand.

"Baby girl?" She whispered over to me. "Come to bed."

Tears broke down my cheeks and I angrily wiped them away. "No." I murmured.

She sighed, not hesitating to wrap her arms around my waist and gingerly pull me into her lap. I just cried, resting my head to her shoulder. My back heaved up in little sobs as she whispered softly into my ear, telling me how much she loved me and how everything would be okay. I believed her.

I soon past out in her arms; I wouldn't call it sleep because I literally felt like a black out- a shut down or a power off. I stirred awake only briefly when she pulled me into a cradle and carried me off to bed. As my head met the pillow I felt her arms wrap tightly around me; shielding me, protecting me, keeping me safe.

This is one of the many reasons why I love my Ellie. Because even at my worst times she's there for me and she gives me hope. She makes me feel like I matter and that she cares, and that's because I know she does. She really does.

I never wanted to let her down. I'm supposed to be the strong one, the one who can't be broken but I'm probably the most fragile one between us both. Back when she was living in Australia she had her fears, as did I, but I prided myself on being able to call her mine and reassure her that we could make it- that we will make it. Just the thought of having somebody was more than I could ever ask for, especially when that person was as lovely as my Ellie.

But here I was- a complete mess and I couldn't do a damn thing about it; just like I couldn't do a damn thing about Erin or Sammy.

(Side Note- The transition into 1st person from here on out is completely intentional and is made to put time into the present- as if the story was being told as though the characters were speaking on behalf of their past and are now caught up; just to clarify.)

I've been at the hospital for hours now. I wanted nothing more than to stay there all night yesterday but the intensive care unit was keeping Erin under watch and said that visitors were prohibited. Part of me thinks it's because it looks just as bad as it was and is. She was rushed into surgery the second after she arrived at the emergency room and the doctors say they have her stabilized for the time being.

I'm not satisfied with that answer. Because what's stabilized can become unbalanced and saying 'for the time being' is like saying 'maybe' to a child when you know damn well the answer is going to be no. Erin can't be a no-go, she has to be okay.

But as I'm walking out the front door over to Ellie's car, her arm wrapped around my slouching, drained frame, I can't help but feel like I have the obligation to stay- even if I can't see Erin. I came first thing this morning and I plan on coming back.

I checked up on Sammy while I was there. I was happy to find out that he was well and for him it, luckily, looked worse than it really was- physically anyway. I know the emotional toll is going to stick with him for a long time, if not forever.