Jam & Jelly

My Honest and Imperfect Self

Chapter Thirteen: My Honest and Imperfect Self-

(Ellie’s POV)

What do you have to be stressed about? You’re just a kid. What in your life could feel so real and so important at this young age of yours that you feel stressed and that you feel trapped and that you feel worried?

“I just find this notion void of empathy or compassion of any kind. And I find it absurd to think that an older person would say this to a younger person because –really- what separates those two people?” –Patty Walters

~

Sometimes I feel like people lose sight of their empathy. Maybe that’s cliché of me to say but I know I, at times, have lost empathy for myself. There were times that I completely despised everything about me and the very being in which I was. There’s really no saying that there was a time I was completely content with myself and that scares me.

But who is really confident in themselves entirely?

If we find something good there is always something bad just around the corner. Kaen says we can’t have good without the bad. I believe this. You need those dips because those dip downs aren’t anything in comparison to those spikes up and those spikes would be meaningless if we had nothing to move up from.

But what makes those plummets of Hell feel completely and utterly like Hell? Why can’t I see over that? Kaen always helped me through it.

I want to make Kaen feel as loved and as wanted as possible. There isn’t a thing that I wouldn’t do for her.  She looks to me as if I am the only girl in the world. I question this and if I deserve it- if I deserve her. I love her to pieces; she's my world.

Shes gone through the unimaginable. See, I’ve been through those dip downs and sometimes I allowed myself to stay there. Maybe it was only for a little while or maybe it was for a long while. Sometimes one, sometimes the other; Vice versa. But what I can say is that I haven’t been that low since I’ve moved to America.

The thing is, this past Kaen is keeping sheltered is slowing eating away at her. She's so good at pretending and putting on this fake smile. Kaen just doesn't want people to worry. I can see past it though- most  of it anyway. See, I feel as if it’s her turn to be the strong one.

And no I'm not talking about 'sucking it up' or shit like that either. It's hard to explain. It's like how teachers always tell you to not be afraid to ask questions. You see?

This of course is a sort of weird analogy. Kaen was always there for me when I felt beyond shitty. She always said that I was strong and that I could do anything I set my mind too; she was like the glue to me and myself. It’s odd that ‘me and myself’ were two different people before I met her. I felt out of place, unwanted, misunderstood- everything.  

So when I say that it is Kaen’s turn to be strong I am not saying that she hasn’t faced a life that was as stubborn as a bull. I’m not saying that she wasn’t strong before. What I am saying is that it is her turn to see what she has done for me and I plan to do that and work on that every day.

The mind is a metaphor. I guess that’s a metaphor in itself if you really think about it. I always think about the lock and key analogy. You see, I had that keyhole and I desperately wanted to be fitted. But then, you realize that there is this constantly grinding set of gears that blocks the way of anyone getting in. Letting your walls fall down and to put yourself off guard- that is turning the gears off. The thing is you need to find someone who is willing to wait for you.

To get naked and fool around isn’t the same as investing your time into someone and having them know your every flaw and imperfection. To let them know all your insecurities and worries. To then let them take you in their arms and show you how they feel- that is truly being naked.

Kaen and I were willing to wait forever to do this. To really show one another how we felt. What we were thinking. What we faced- everything.

Kaen is strong. I love her. I trust her. She’s mine- mine entirely. She’s the best thing I could ever ask for.

She is strong. I repeat, she is strong.

~

“Now I’m a warrior.”

***

(~A/N: Hey guys. I know this update is relatively trivial; one of the shortest since the prologue. I’m looking at this chapter as an introduction and ‘teaser’ -if you will- for the ones to come. I’m planning on setting a lot of shit straight about the characters and their past to say the least. I also plan to write a bit more from Ellie’s POV since I personally feel she’s been a bit ignored and neglected. I hope you all are still captivated.

It’s been awhile since I’ve had an author’s note and I just wanted to say thank you all for the reads. I know they may seem sheepish compared to other stories out there but I’m grateful still yet. I didn’t think I would ever get fifty reads let alone capping over six- hundred. Suggestions, comments, questions, and critique is always welcomed and obliged. Also, some commenting and voting would be super, super appreciated as well. It helps to let me know where I stand and what you guys think. Also, I'd love to hear from you all. Thanks loves.)

 -She said jam and I said jelly.