What we used to be

Chapter 6

Michael wakes up the next day and sighs. Ryan said he'd give him a lift to school which he's thankful for but he just doesn't want to see Gavin again. Michael showers, gets ready and goes downstairs to see Ryan waiting for him at the door so he grabs some toast and his bag and gets in the car.
"You ready?" Ryan asks and Michael shakes his head.
"Not really." He sighs, noticing the sympathetic look Ryan gives him.

They pull up outside the gate and Michael sighs.
"Come on Michael, you'll be fine." Ryan says and Michael nods, getting out of the car.
"I'll pick you up after school." Ryan calls and Michael nods.
"Thanks Rye bread." He half smiles, shutting the door and walking into the building. He smiles slightly to himself when he sees the guy he punched yesterday with a bruised face, but soon frowns again when he sees Gavin. He walks into his first class, maths, and sits down. Mr Dooley walks into the room and over to him.
"Hiya, Michael, Kara called me and explained the situation. I'm sorry about what happened, if you'd have told me I wouldn't have made you tutor him, I knew about the past but I didn't know it was still that bad between you. I'm sorry. You didn't miss much work yesterday, so don't worry about that." He says quietly before starting the class. Michael just sits there and listens to Mr Dooley talk about the quadratic formula. He sighs and doodles aimlessly on his paper while he waits for the lesson to end.

At the end of the lesson Gavin walks over to Michael. Michael sighs and looks up.
"What?" He asks blankly.
"I'm sorry Micool, for what happened yesterday." He says quietly and Michael raises an eyebrow, noticing the class is now empty apart from a student talking to Mr Dooley.
"Oh you're sorry? You could have stopped that. All you had to do was tell him to leave me alone. I had Ashley with me, Gavin. I don't give a shit what happens to me, I didn't want Ash caught in a fight. I figured even though you don't give a shit about me, you might actually have a heart and not want a 3 year old to get hurt." He says angrily but quietly so no one in the corridor hears. Gavin frowns slightly, looking hurt.

"You should care what happens to you Micool, and I didn't want you or Ashley to get hurt, but I panicked." He says and Michael shakes his head.

"No Gavin, you don't care. That's the difference between us, I care about you more than you care about me, and it fucking sucks. If someone was going to punch you, or hurt you in any way, I'd stop them, whether you were with a kid or not. I would panic, sure, but I would still stop them. You don't give a fuck Gavin, you never did, you don't stop your friends hurting me, you don't say anything when they tell me to kill myself, you don't do anything but laugh and smile, like you agree with them. Don't tell me you're scared or you panic, because its a lie. And don't tell me you care, because we both know that's absolute bullshit." Michael rants angrily before picking up his bag and walking out of the now empty classroom, leaving Gavin behind calling his name.

He leaves the room and tries to calm down but his anger is speeding up his breathing and it gets really hard to catch his breath. He needs to calm down or he'll have a panic attack and he does not want to have a panic attack at school. He rushes to the library and sits in the corner, pulling out his phone. He calls Kara and waits for her to pick up.
"Michael, what's wrong sweetie?" She asks gently and Michael sighs.

"I can't Kara. I can't do this anymore. I feel like I'm suffocating." He whispers, because he can't manage to actually speak, also he doesn't really want everyone in the library to hear his problems.
"Michael, go to the office, I'm coming to get you, just breath okay, the last thing you need is to have a panic attack. Breath sweetheart." She says and Michael hears her unlock the car, put Ashley in and get in herself. Michael is still trying to breath at a normal pace and its not really working.
"I'm on my way sweetheart, just stay calm, walk to the office, I'll be 5 minutes." Michael stands up and walks shakily to the office. When he gets there he tells the woman at the office that Kara's coming and she nods, looking concerned and telling him to sit in the waiting area. Kara arrives a few minutes later, holding Ashley, and rushes over to Michael, who still can't breath properly.
"Can I take him home?" Kara asks the woman at reception and she nods. Ashley climbs onto Michael and hugs him tightly while Michael squeezes her back. Kara leads him to her car and once they're all in she turns to him.
"Michael, this isn't good, I'm worried about you. I think you should start seeing your therapist again." She says gently and Michael nods slightly as a tear falls down his cheek.
"I might pull you out of school too." She says and Michael shakes his head.
"No! Don't do that, it will make things worse. Then I'll be the new kid and that would suck. There's only a few months left, I'll be fine." He says and she sighs but nods. "I still think you should see your therapist again, Michael." She says and Michael nods, resting his head against the head rest.
"Can I go and visit my mum again?" He mumbles quietly and Kara nods starting the engine and beginning to drive in the direction of the cemetery.
"Of course sweetie, I need to do some shopping, so I'll drop you off and run some errands. I'll pick you up in an hour?" Kara says, and she drives for a few minutes before she pulls up outside the cemetery. Michael nods and smiles slightly.
"Thank you, Kara." He says, climbing out of the car and walking to his mothers grave. He sits down in front of the headstone, cross legged, and rests his head in his hands.
"Mum, I can't take it any more. I need you here. I want to be with you again. I miss you so much, I can't deal with this anymore. Kara said I need to start seeing my therapist again, I kind of agree with her. I almost had a panic attack at school today, after having an argument with Gavin. He keeps telling me he cares, but it's bullshit. He doesn't give a fuck. Mum, I need your help." Michael sobs and he doesn't try to stop the tears falling down his cheeks. He sits in silence, letting the tears fall, his head still in his hands. After around 20 minutes he finally runs out of tears. He pulls off his beanie and runs his hands through his hair.