Change of Heart

Chapter 38: Final Chapter

Tristan

Tristan

“Tristan,” Erica spoke softly the moment our lips parted. I brought my lips up and planted one gentle kiss on her forehead. When I sat upright on her bedside, she tapped my hand lightly with her finger.

“Take me away.” She said.

I brushed her face lightly with my thumb, tracing the marks of her teardrops.

“Where do you want to go?”

“Anywhere, as long as I’m with you.”

I pursed my lips, contemplating. Should I? She was still very sick and it could be really very risky. I shook my head, refusing her request.

“We can’t. You’re very sick.”

“I know.” She said with a small acknowledging smile. I looked away from her but her hand found its way on top of mine and she slowly slid her fingers between mine.

“This is a very crazy idea, Erica.” I said to her sternly. She blinked slowly and giggled.

“I’ve never done anything crazy in my life.  Just this once and I’ll die happily.”

I kicked the stool beside the bed. “Don’t you ever talk about something like that!”

Erica and I fell silent and I felt the shame on my part for suddenly bursting like that. “I’m sorry, Erica. I didn’t mean to raise my voice. I-I just… please let’s just not talk about that kind of thing.”

“You mean ‘death’?”

I nodded my head sombrely.

Erica bit her lips. “It’s imminent, Tristan.”

“A-aren’t you afraid?” I croaked. I looked at the girl in front of me. I looked through her eyes. They were round, dark and seemingly unafraid. How was she able to stomach all of this? I was restless here, fearing for her degrading health, yet she seemed so calm and at peace.

“Of course, I am.” She finally said. “I have always been. When I found out I was sick, I always thought of how imminent death was. Part of the reason why I was scared was I knew that I was going to miss out a lot of things. I was always jealous of my sister and Kat because they could do whatever they want. Because they can allow themselves to be vulnerable, to feel excited or sad or angry. Because they can fall in love.

“I always thought that love for me was not possible. I kept my heart guarded, thinking that when I fall in love, it will be unfair to myself and to my loved one. That was what I was scared of actually, and not death itself.” Erica sighed. “And then you came and showed me what I had always been missing and you gave me what I’ve always wanted. And fear transformed. Now, I am more afraid than ever. I am afraid of not being with you.”

I put my fist in my mouth to push back the tears that were threatening to fall. I swallowed hard and managed to say with a straight face. “Then you don’t have to be afraid anymore, because I’ll always be with you.”

I leaned closer to Erica. “Okay, tell you what. I’ll take you somewhere else but if you promise me that we’re only going to talk about happy stuffs. No mentioning of the D’ word. That’s a bad word for now. Taboo!” I raised my pinkie finger and she raised hers and we linked each other’s fingers.

I was used to sneaking out, so getting Erica out of the hospital was doable. I had extra clothes in my car which I lent to her. My shirt was too large for her and my sweatpants were too long, but the garter allowed her to adjust them to fit her smaller frame. We sneaked out when the coast was clear while the nurses were drowsing off or were preoccupied with their graveyard shift gossiping. I made Erica wear my cap, so that her face was covered by the CCTV that dangled at the elevator. Erica could barely walk, so I had her with one arm, supporting all of her weight. When we reached the parking lot at the basement, I swept her up behind me and carried her piggyback style.