There are different feelings people can give you. There are the good and the bad. A good feeling is when someone smiles and you remember why they're important to you. There's when you just can't stop smiling because of someone. Then that person starts to ignore you and they're all you think about.
The bad feelings are the most memorable when they keep happening. Someone does something to you and even a room will remind you of them. You spend three years looking at every boy thinking how they can do what he did to you. Every time you hear his name you think of that moment. The moment when you were taken out of the peace of your own room. Then, you meet someone with his name. The same name and you just crumple up into a ball. The one with his name is so nice and so cute...but you can't do anything. He has ruined the name for you and you can't even think of the name without wanting to cry. You say the name out loud and you immediatly regret it. Why did he have such a common name? Then you hear the other man's name. He has a common name to and to think thatt he was 30 and you were 7. Your parents going through a terrible divorce and they want him to watch you...he did more than watch you. Every time you try to tell someone you get a lump in your throat and remember the taste of the tears in your mouth after he left you at 13. In your bed. Curled up, crying, hoping someone would notice your pain. You feel like he's the only one you can trust but than he does it again. But this time it's in school and everyone calls you a slut. He calls you a liar when you tell your best friend. He exposes pictures of you naked. He used to sit outside of your window at night watching you sleep...how did he get to the second floor? You finally get everything fixed and leave the state. Now when you visit the state or go into your room you just want to puke because you let that happen. You feel the need to tell someone but they'll say you crave attention. You meet a boy with his name. He's cute, he likes things you like, his mile makes you laugh, but you can't go any further than friends with him because the last one with his name ruined it. You can't tell him secrets because the last one exposed them all. You can't even hold someone's hand or cuddle a human being because of it. You act as confident as you can but you dissolve in tears inside every time a boy or man even looks at you in that way. Unless this has happened to you, you'll never understand how someone can ruin a name. When you were 7 it was your uncle Robert and when you were 13 it was your boyfriend Isaac. I'm sorry.
It's just the fact that one person can change your perception of a certain group of people. Two men in my life have changed my thoughts on men. I still need to find one guy to make up for it. There is one thing that I need. I just need someone to help me smile and not push things on me. I need someone to hold my hand whenever so I feel the rush it gives you. I just need someone to protect me and understand what I've been through.
