LOVE, LUST, FAITH AND LIES (A Jared Leto Fairy Tale)

Humiliation

After Orlaith managed to get Shiv up off the floor, she'd made them both a cup of tea and into her bedroom "I'm so, SO sorry Shiv. I've done everything I can think of. I've emailed his people, I've emailed his P.R people, his facebook, his Twitter, his Tumblr, his personal website, 30 seconds ti Mars site, his Insta. I can't think of anything else i can do sweetheart, I can't say how sorry I am babe, so I can't" Orlaith pleaded, looking over the top of her coffee cup, waiting desperately for a response when Shiv just looked shell shocked and miserable. Not even looking up from her coffee. Finally Shiv spoke "It's O.K Orls, so it is. Honestly it is. It wasn't meant ti be is all. Fir a while there I thought it might be yi know, I thought I was getting a break there. But I wasn't, it wasn't written in the stars babe. And I'm o.k wi that, I am. Cus I'd rather have had one beautiful night wit him than none at all. Ye know what Shakespeare sis. "Better ti have loved and lost, than niva having loved at all" Shiv said, attempting a smile but it disappeared too soon. "This is a thunder bolt from the heavenly father inyway. Fir going aginst HIM. Fir fucking Jared out of widlock" "God, GOD? And what has He iver done for ye girl, ay? He give ye poverty, he give ye a daddy who doted on ye, daddy's girl, that is until he took ti the drink and ended up beating the tar outta ye. Ye and ye mammy and ye Connor. Broken bones and broken heart. Bullies who were once ye friends cus like kids de wit their minds made up from listening ti their stupid fecking parebts having stupid ignorant conversations, blamed ye and ye family for the gardas death and wounding. Forgot, so they did, that ye were just a little girl who'd lost her daddy. A daddy that used ti beat her too. Now Connor, he turned into a hard hearted bastid who could hold his own. But ye, YE SIOBAHN, ye took everything thrown at ye, be it rocks or name calling, silently. Believing their words like gospel. When I met ye in high school, ye were a frightened little fish in an ocean full of sharks. So I fought fir ye. Ye deserved mi to. And me parents wir behind us all the way. Know why Shiv? cus they saw what I did. A beautiful, sad little angel, who needed us. And ye became a loud, bouncy, gorgeous teen, who spread happiness wherever ye went. So irresistible were ye that every lad in that school wanted ye. And apart from Sean ye didn't even see em. Even when ye lost ye V ti Sean, over the age of course, it was beautiful, so romantic. Hid cooked ye a meal and took ye out and ye made love on a rooftop overlooking Belfast. Whereas I was a bit of a slut because I took it where I could git it, I was thi less good looking, quieter, boring sidekick ti Shiv McCarthy. But I was always happy fir ye. Cus I reckoned ye deserved it. Ye deserved every little good thing that came ye way. Me mammy and daddy thought the same. Ye were always part of our family. Me daddy, especially, cus ye had the same lust fir knowledge and travel as he did and yis would sit down and ye would listen to his stories about all the travelling him and mammy did before I wir born. Even came on our family holidays, so ye did. Remember Africa and how ye wanted ti stay there?" Orlaith laughed. "Well I niver got jealous of the time ye spent wi him cus ye didn't have a daddy and I didn't mind sharing. Not like he didn't spend a lot of time with me too. Aye, wonderful man he was, the fat sod liked his pies, so he did. Shame his heart didn't, bless his soul, at least he felt no pain, may he rest in peace" Orlaith's voice cracked a little and Shiv put her head on her shoulder. She saw a tear drop on to her friends hand, she rubbed it off with her thumb and waited patiently for Orlaith to carry on, knowing she hadn't really started. Orls could throw a sermon to rival the pope. "When we decided ti go ti uni in London, mammy and daddy were so made up for ye, me mammy cried. Aye, ye didn't know that, did ye? Aye, but she did. Ye mammy had Connor who'd been in gaol, she had ti deal with now he had three childers and a wife of his own. Stop him going back over. And ye kind of fell by the wayside fir a while. Ye and Sean broke up, not wanting a long distance relationship. And little Shiv came back fir a while. Quiet and heartbroken it took ye an age ti come back, didn't it gerl? There was another thing that took a chunk of the little Shiv away. But ye were always there fi us. Whatever happened and whatever ye were going through yeself, ye put us first, so ye did. I'll never forget ye daddy's 7th anniversary. I'd split from some spotty little oik and ye spent all day comforting us instead of mourning for ye daddy and saying that it didn't matter that I'd forgotten what day it was fir me happiness mattered more than ye sadness. And ye meant it Shiv. Ye meant every kind word ye meant cus not only was that the kind of gerl ye were but the love ye had fir me was pure. Still is. And I love ye dearly. Always have and always will. See, ye reckoned ye owed all yir happiness ye had to me. But what yir don't realise is that he made me just as happy as I did ye. And neither owed the other cus this is a friendship that will last beyond the hands of time. Into the next life and beyond. Then came that BASTID Winston and little Shiv came back. A lost little doll. A child who'd just lost her daddy. Ye nearly back and I've fecked it all up fi ye. Ye NOT Catholic Shiv. Ye don't pray wit the rosary, ye don't do penance, ye don't don't confess. Feck, I don't think ye even OWN a bible, gerl, no. You might as well self flagulate, Shiv. Cus deep inside ye, ye still believe all those little arseholes who said he were to blame fir what happened to those guards that terrible night ye daddy lost his mind. No, yir not Catholic. Ye just use religion as a shield against the world that's been so cruel ti ye practically ye whole life ye don't want ti be part of it anymore. So No, FECK God and what the bastid thinks. If there is such a being that exists Shiv, then I want feck all to do wit him fi what he's done fi and ti ye! If there's anyone that deserves a Prince, snow white, it's ye. And we WILL find him, ye just wait and see. We surely will" Her speech now at an end, Orlaith realised that they both were now crying and she and her best friend in all the wide world hugged there, on Shiv's bed a long time.

After Orlaith had taken the cups of cold coffee to the kitchen and kindly left her to her thoughts, Shiv went to the window and gazed out and up at the stars. There was one that shone out brighter than the rest and she wished with all her might that Jared would find her. Absent mindedly singing, her heart broken yet again,
"Was it a dream?
Was it a dream?
Is this the only evidence that proves it
A photograph of you and I?"
Turning off the lights and leaving the room to shower the festival's filth off her she left behind her handprint in the condensation on the cold glass. A symbol of her loss.

After showering, throughout which she thought of the touches and fluids and sweat and sweet caresses that she was washing away with the soap and watching almost the last of the physical remains of Jared down the plughole. Her salty tears joining them as they drained away forever.

Shiv entered the room in her p.js, dressing gown and slippers with a towel wrapped around her head to find Orlaith and Pat watching something that they quickly shut off as she appeared. Looking at her friend's guilty faces she asked for the truth of what was going on. Pat looked shame faced as Orlaith explained that they had been watching footage from Download, with Fern Cotten on bbc2 and they didn't want shuv seeing her and Jared word fucking on stage. "Don't be soft! Watch it all ye want. Won't bother Me, honestly" exclaimed Shiv, yet, all knew that was a lie. Slowly picking up the remote and turning back, Shiv came straight as fate would inevitably have it, to the bit where she and Jared might as well have fucked right there on the stage with Fern announcing that "that lucky girl was getting some of Jared later!". Oh, but only if that girl knew how true her flippant words were. Shiv had got not only his cock but his heart too. Forcing a smile, even though she felt like dying right there, she said to them "see, I'm fine, does anyone else want hot chocolate?" and walked briskly into the kitchen when both declined, made   her drink and cut some cucumber for her eyes. It simply wouldn't do to go to work the next day with puffy eyes.

After a terrible night's sleep, Shiv was sat at the dining table eating blueberry granola and drinking very strong coffee. She must have missed Orlaith because there was only Pat snoring loudly in bed when she peeped her head into their room and her keys were gone from the hook in the hallway. Shiv fed Topcat his disgusting cat food, borking at the smell, locked the door and set off to work.

"Right kids, settle down" Shiv commanded "this term we're going ti look at the very clear influence that Renee Magritte had on Anthony Browne. Now, does anyone know who Anthony Browne is?" Chelsea Baird's hand shot up as it always did. "Yes Chelsea?" Shiv encouraged " Well, isn't he the writer of them children's books? With the funny little drawings hidden in the real pictire. Always sticking to the the theme of the story?" Chelsea answered nervously "Good, Chelsea" Shiv said, smiling broadly "that he is. Now if you look closely at those actual picture within a pictures on a whole you can notice a clear nod to Magritte's works, which are very bright, very neat, surreal flights of fantasy but figured a lot of everyday objects or people in a sequence. Anthony Browne started life as a children's writer and illustrator in 1976 with a book called "through the magic mirror" and has lasted to the present with his latest "Willy and the cloud". He was born in...". A burst of loud laughter from the back of the class. "Riley Byrne and JonJoe Bennet" thought Shiv, "thorns in me fecking side!
"Yes Riley, do ye have something to add?" "Yes Miss,I have a question actually" he grinned maliciously. Teresa Cunningham looked behind her and hissed "shurrup Riley. How old are you actually?" " aw fuck off Tish. You wanna know as much as I do!" Riley snapped. "Okaaaay Riley, what is this burning question?" "Wellll me and JonJoe were wondering if it really takes 30 seconds to get to Mars?" Now the whole class sniggered. Shiv's back stiffened but quickly regained her composure. "Well Riley, that isn't me area of expertise, it's Mr Smith's in science because that would be physics" she said going to turn back to the board when Riley spoke again" well I'd say it was biology coz I have this picture here with you, legs wrapped round Jared Leto tighter than Mr Winspear's vice in C.D.T. I bet all you could hear was "oh yes, yes, YES Jared! Take me to Mars. Not in 30 seconds though, he can get pills for that y'know". The rest of the class was quiet, eagerly anticipating what happened next. Shiv shot lasers through her eyes and made a firey path toward Riley "give me it, NOW" Shiv roared. "It wasn't me miss! I swear down! I just ripped it off the notice board. Someone's pinned em up all over school" whined a scared Riley. Shiv hisses at Riley "Listen to me ye wee fecker. My private life has got feck all ti do with YE! Understand boy?" Riley just gulped. Shiv stalked out of her classroom hearing Chelsea saying "you horrible bastad Riley".

It took Shiv 25 minutes to find them all and when she did she stuffed them in her bag. All but one. Locking herself into a stall in the staff toilets, she looked down at her and Jared together and bawled her eyes out.