Dear Phil [Phan]

5/9/17

Dear Phil,

It's been 6 years since you've been gone. 6 years since I thought I would never be able to breathe again. I don't remember how I felt on that day. I think I've blocked it out of my memory. But I do remember the day so well. I was ecstatic to have finally received a letter from you! It had been almost a year since I had last heard your voice, seen your face, kissed your lips. I sat down on our sofa using your favourite cup for my afternoon drink. I was to eager to hear from you. To find out your replies to my letters, where you were, what you had done, to hear that you were okay. Most importantly I wanted to hear that you loved me. That was not what I got. I did not know what to do with myself. I thought my life was over.

I would be lying if I said I didn't contemplate suicide. The thought of living without you for the rest of my life literally ate my brain alive. I could no longer function. I did not leave my bed for 6 weeks, apart from going to the memorial, which I barely made it to. Everyone there was so strong. I don't know how. How could they be so put together when they found out their loved ones would never be coming back only a month prior? I was a mess. I wanted to be with you.

Then I met a sweet man. He helped me out of my depression. He was there the nights that I thought it was all too much and took too many pills. He was there when I was close to drinking the bathroom cleaner. He was there for it all. He saved me. His unconditional love has allowed me to keep your memory alive. To keep my love for you alive, too. He was there to keep me alive. If it weren't for him, I don't know what I'd be doing now. I'd most likely be dead. 6 years ago I would have have been happy, thats what I wanted. To be dead with you. To see you again. To live forever with you in heaven. But now, I'm glad this man has brought sense into me. He made me realise that you would not have wanted me to die. You would have wanted me to do good in the world, to be the best me I could be. And now I realise that too.

One thing I know for sure, Phil, is that I could never love anyone as much as I love you. I will always cherish your memory. Your room is still intact. I have not touched anything in all 6 years, apart from the nights I would cry myself to sleep in your bed. My husband understands my love for you, and although we have been happily married for almost a year, he still understands there are days where all I want to do is curl up by your things and cry. And he comforts me when I'm done. He is the light of my life, Phil. I know you'd love him if you had the chance. See you soon my love.

I love you always,

Dan