What thing sends shivers down your spine? What makes you scream? What keeps you awake at night? Everyone has a fear or phobia that affects them in some way or another. There will be the traditional fears that are well-known and there will be a few...
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Its funny how a simple, avoidable fear as a child can follow you into your adulthood. As a child, every year my parents and I would go to the local circus when it was in town. I loved watching the clowns do their skits with the fake water in the bucket, the tripping of each other during the act and the flowers that sprayed water on the crowd.
Something changed when I was 12 years old after the circus hired a new clown. That year they came twice to our town; for the annual event and then again later in the year for our bicentennial celebration. The first time they came, he wasn't in the circus but just before they came back the 2nd time an old timer clown retired. So they had put out an ad in the paper looking for a new clown to replace him.
I thought it was cool that they could advertise for that and told my mom that I wanted to join the circus. They just laughed it off and said that it was a hard life to live always moving around, never keeping friends. So we went to the celebration and watched all of the acts, I was getting excited because the last act before the elephants were the clowns. We saw their car enter the tent and stop on the other side of the ring away from us.
Everyone was getting anxious to see the new clown that they hired and were questioning each other on who he was and what he would look like. At last the last clown was exiting the car with his back to our side of the tent. Everyone on the side that he was facing, all got quiet as he started to pretend to fill his bucket with water. As he turned to face our side, we were all shocked to see an evil face in red, black and blue make-up with this weird smile on his face.
My mom whispered to my dad that she was upset that they would allow something that hideous to be in a circus. As she said this, the clown snapped his head in our direction, staring directly at my mom as if he heard everything she was saying. All three of us kind of cringed back from his stare but he moved on to perform the skit. Eventually he ended up in front of us and walked through the crowd to stop in front of my mom. He did the usual tricks with the flowers hidden up his sleeves, pulling the colored square pieces of cloth out of his pants and so on.
Just before he left, he pulled out a blue plastic flower with a black center and red stem to hold it out towards my mom. As he bent close to my mom, we could smell this really strong odor like what our pig pens smell like after we turn on the water. We tried to scoot back but it was so crowded that we couldn't move away from his smell. He hands her the flower saying "A special flower for a special woman." And then walked away to never look back. She didn't want to be rude so she kept the flower instead of throwing it away.
Later that night, I had a nightmare that the clown came into our house and killed my mom with the flower right in front of my dad and me. He would then cook her and make us eat her along with him at the dinner table. Every time I had the nightmare and would wake up, I swear that I could hear the circus music playing.
The next year when it came time for the circus to come back to our town, I started to dread going. I would get pains in my chest, start sweating all over and get chills up my spine. The first day of the circus, I made up an excuse to not go to it and then again the next day. My parents asked me why I didn't want to go and said no reason. So, we ended up going on the last day and I got so scared when it came time for the clowns to come out that I grabbed my mom's hand so hard that I hurt her. She turned to look down at me to see what was going on and explained to me that it was okay, then she smiled at me. It looked just like the smile that the clown wore that day that I ran screaming from the tent. We never went back to the circus again.
Over the years, the nightmare slowly faded into my distant memory but I would still feel this intense fear every time I saw a clown, heard ice cream music or saw any announcement for a circus. My wife always laughs it off as a childhood fear but it is hard to explain a fear to someone who doesn't have any or felt any. Today is my 40th birthday and she is planning a themed party, that everyone has to dress as their favorite movie villain with one exception, no clowns. I'm going as a classic, Jason and she is going as Bloody Mary.
We already had our family celebration party earlier today with our 6 year old son, who is at the neighbors so he doesn't get scared by the costumes. I am getting dressed in our room when I hear the doorbell ring, some of our friends were coming early to help set up the decorations. I start to smell the bbq grill as our neighbor gets it ready for the all of the meat that we got for today. I hear my wife in the kitchen sharpening up the knives for us to start cutting the meat into smaller portions.
As I leave the bedroom, I faintly hear circus music from faraway, which causes my spine to stiffen up ridged to the point that I can't move. I break out in a sweat over my whole body because it was the same beat from the circus from when I was a kid. I feel myself being pulled out to the patio in the backyard and my feet walk all by themselves as my brain keeps shouting out to my body to stop moving. I enter the backyard to see my wife's costume covered in dirt and blood laying on the ground beside the grill.
I can see red hair above the lid of the grill as I hear meat being flipped to it's other side. I see out of the corner of my eye, our son sitting at the table, scared stiff, I wonder how he is here when he is supposed to be next door. He is just staring at the person behind the grill, my feet turn to the table and walk over to sit down at the table beside him. Just as my heart is about to burst from my chest, the clown from my nightmares steps out from behind the grill holding a slab of meat with a bbq fork. He walks over to the table and throws it down on the tray in the middle of the table. He pulls out a blue flower with a black center and red stem and places it on top of the meat.
