boys don't cry // paramore au

number sixty five (TW) // edited

dunno if i need a trigger warning here, it's a key part to the story but it can get a bit sad and if you're trans it kinda might get to you? it certainly got to me as i wrote it but i felt like trans people don't get enough exposure and they don't get a voice and i needed to write this. but yeah, just a little head's up. but here's a long chapter because you all deserve it.

get ready for an emotional rollercoaster
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"what's it all like?" he said again.

i understood what he meant and nodded.

it was the perfect moment to open up to someone other than hayley. i've talked to hayley about this millions of times.. and i guess i had to tell zac? should i?

oh man.. he's going to think i'm so pathetic.. this is stupid..

"you don't have to tell me if you don't want to.." he spoke softly, holding my hand in his.

i had to stop being such a coward.

"it sucks... it really does suck.. it's not just me 'pretending' to be a guy. it's me.. waking up every morning feeling worse about myself by the second.. it's every day trying to hide my body from everyone so i can pass as who i am.. it's people not understanding, people making fun of me, people leaving, people treating me like a freak... it's.. it's so bad.." by this point my eyes were watery, "every day i want to rip off my skin and be the person i was meant to be.. it's so fucking bad... " i said in sobs, "and it's living in constant darkness just wanting to wake up and either be in a different body or be dead.."

zac looked at me in shock. i knew he wasn't ready to hear all i said. i knew it'd be hard on him.

but he wanted to know.

his lips met mine, those amazing lips, we kissed for a few seconds before he hugged me tightly.

"you're taylor benjamin york.. you're the best man i've ever met.. don't let anyone fucking tell you otherwise.. i love you, for the man you are."

'i love you, for the man you are ' ringed over and over in my head. i don't know what to feel.

he said he loves me, but i'm so upset over all i just said..

i love zac. i know i love zac.

i kissed him again and whispered an "i love you too" against his lips.

we kissed again.