The Daddy Diaries

20

Depression.

I've been in a depression for weeks.

I've still had to go back to school though because I have to turn in my work and get all of the new courses. I still have to take care of Opal. I have to tend to her cries, change her diaper, feed her... be a parent to her. But all I feel inside of me is sadness and I don't want to do shit.

I really, really fucked up with Louis.

I'm not even disgusted about us having sex... I'm just disgusted with myself for mistaking him as Lottie.

I mean... who the fuck does that?

I need to learn that Lottie is gone. I need to learn that she's never coming back. She didn't come back as her brother to help me. Louis is his own person with his own thoughts and emotions. With his own body. His own soul. He's not Lottie.

I'm more sad that Louis left me the way he did and I can't see him for months now to see if he's okay or to say that I'm sorry for being a dumb ass and hurting him so bad. But I'm also sad because now that I'm truly thinking about it all... Lottie is gone. She's not coming back and Louis was not sent here to replace her. He was sent here to be in my life to make me happy. Not to be Lottie.

I also don't want to be around Opal, because she looks like them both. Her eyes are a mixture of mine and theirs. Her smile, which I see once in a blue moon, is theirs. Everything about her reminds me of them. I don't want to be around her... but I have to. I can't be one of those dads. I have to be there for her...

"Are you excited for your birthday tomorrow?" mom asked me while bringing Opal into my room. "She misses you." she said handing me her.

Opal then closed her eyes and snuggled into my chest.

"I forgot my birthday was tomorrow to be honest." I said laying back so Opal was laying on my chest.

"Oh, well, are you excited now?"

"I guess." I shrugged.

"Why do you not seemed pumped? You are going to be nineteen! My big boy!"

"Oh shut up mom." I chuckled.

She smiled at me and blew a kiss. She then left me and Opal to ourselves in my room.

I looked down at Opal and my pain flooded in even more.

"How can one so beautiful cause so much pain?" I whispered to my daughter. "I'm not blaming you, I love you so very much, but why do you have to look so much like them O. Why couldn't you look like me?"

All she did was blink up at me.

I sighed and kissed her head.

"Maybe someday I'll stop thinking about them."

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Please like and comment! ~Ash