Dream // irwin

Numbness

{WARNING: SOME PARTS CONTAIN CONTENT THAT COULD BE TRIGGERING FOR SOME PEOPLE READ AT YOUR OWN RISK}

I stayed in the same position on Ashton's bed for most of the day completely ignoring the world around me.

"Brigh?" Ashton asks again.

"Sh-she's gone." I whispered for what felt like the thousandth time.

"Brighton, I know, I'm not sure of all the information, and I won't ask if it makes you uncomfortable." He sighs, his arms wrapped around my body, me now sitting on his lap, and rocking back and forth.

"She's actually gone." I say feeling bitterly numbed.

"Babe, it's okay." He mumbles into my hair.

"No it's not! I should feel something!" I shouted, just wanting to feel something at the moment.

"Brighton! It'll all turn out okay! I'm here for you." He says softly.

"I'm sorry." I whisper.

"Me too." He sighed.

"Why are you sorry?" I ask suddenly.

"I'm sorry this happened, why are you sorry?" He questions.

"That I'm such a mess, okay? I'm just a big screw up." I let out loud, and shaky breath.

-

Nearly a week later, I haven't even cried or felt any emotion, and I hadn't gotten much information except for the fact the funeral was tomorrow. I've spent most of the week at Ashton's house, incase I did break down and needed him, which my parents understood, even though they weren't that fond of Ashton yet.

I was currently getting out of the shower at Ashton's house, still worried for when the complete breakdown comes. I wrapped a towel around my body and walked towards the small overnight bag I had. I put on a bra, under-where, and a tank-top, when I began to blow dry my hair, using the hair dryer his sister was letting me borrow.

After I finished drying my hair I was about to put on real clothes when I saw the razor in the bottom of my suitcase. Maybe I could help myself just feel something.

I slowly reached my hand out for the razor, and moved my bracelets to the side, revealing scars I had made a while ago. I quickly broke out the blade of the razor, in a complete hurry, in case Ashton began to get worried. I brought the blade to my wrist and pushed down, bringing back the slight tingling feeling I've missed so much. I made another mark, then another, and then another.

I smiled as I watched the blood fall from my arm, and onto the counter. I quickly ran my arm under the water, then cleaned up the blood, and threw the paper into the toilet.

I then got dressed a fast as possible and went back to Ashton, who was sitting on his bed crying, again.

"How are you not crying?" He questions wiping his eyes.

"I can't." I whisper.

-

I looked across the group of people gathered for the funeral. Some people I know, some I didn't. Then I saw Michael who was talking to Josie's Mom. I quickly walked over to them.

"Brighton! How are you?" Her Mom's usual cheery voice was gone.

"I'm doing okay, all this," I gestured to around the room. "Seems unreal."

"I was wondering, would you possibly want to speak during the funeral?" She asks me.

"I don't know, I haven't prepared anything." I sighed.

"It's okay if you just think of it off the top of your head." Michael suddenly suggests.

-

The funeral has already started, people were crying, everyone except me, it seemed like it was disrespecting her, but I'm just numb.

I was now about to go up to the podium and give my speech about how much Josie meant to me. I was then called to give a speech.

"Okay, so I'm Brighton, I'm Josie's best-friend, and basically her sister. I've known Josie since I was 12, and literally I've enjoyed every second of knowing her. She's helped me through so many hard times, and she's basically saved me from myself, numerous amounts of times. She's always been there for me when nobody else was, and has just meant so much to me. If I could, I would go back in time and stop her from ever going down that road the moment she did. I would tell her that she should've just stayed in with me and watched movies all day, but no, that's not how life works. Life sometimes has it's ups and downs, but there's never a point in life where it a stood time to just end it, or have it ended for you. Josie mean so many different things to me, and she has given me so many opportunities, like for instance, without her I wouldn't have met my boyfriend, Ashton Irwin, or I wouldn't have discovered to just give new things a try and just let go and have fun. As a point to try and wrap up this sad tragic loss, I'd like to say that, no matter how far you get from the person you love, you'll always have them near, in a little place called your heart. Thank-you, and I'm sorry for everyone's loss of such an amazing, and as she would put it, 'cool' person." I softly spoke, with hardly any emotion, mostly fake emotion. I still wasn't able to comprehend my emotions all together.

Suddenly everyone began clapping and simply smiled at them and walked off the little stage.

-

I watched as I saw my best friend of 7 year's casket get lowered into the ground. I knew I would miss her but, I'm not sure when I'll decide to show it.

OH MY GOD, I GOT SO EMOTIONAL WRITING THIS LIKE WOW.

I ACTUALLY BEGAN TO CRY WHEN I WRTE TE LITTLE SPEACH!!!!

BYYYEEEEEE

-yroR