Lightbulb || Tradley

Chapter Ten

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Fuck it, he knows everything else already, why not.

-

"You." I blushed, mustering the courage to look at the blond "Genuinely, Tris, I like you - like that - it's always been 'like that', I've just been too much of a pussy to tell you."

"Oh...uh, Brad." He took a deep breath, scratching the back of his head "You're my best mate... And I'm...straight."

"...Yeah." I nodded, looking away, not wanting to look at him, not wanting to face the rejection.

"I'm sorry." Tris apologised "I'm so sorry I can't do anything... If I swung that way you know I totally would."

"Yeah no, it's cool, I shouldn't have said anything." I shrugged. Ignoring the fact that I felt my soul

Falling

Through

The

Floor

Ignoring the fact that I felt like I was cracking and crumbling, how I felt like ruins that had seen better days, how I felt like I was now the lightbulb in the corner of this room, only noticed when I'm inconvenient.

"...I'll go." I smiled a little, opening the shed door and hurrying back to the house, retreating to my bedroom where I could stay and recollect for as long as I needed, where I could stay until I had glued myself back together piece by piece, I didn't need anyone, I'd done this a thousand times before, it wasn't the first, probably wasn't the last, I'd be fine.

Are you going to be fine though
He hates you now, good going

I tried to take a deep breath, I tried to count to 10 but nothing de-fused the situation, so of course I did the typical, I turned to anger, of course directed towards myself, I felt my cheeks get hot and my fist raised before coming into contact with my own thigh as if it were colliding with every negative thing I was thinking. I spent the next hour punching, picking, and scratching at myself, aching for some kind of relief, I knew I'd never find it through my actions but I hoped I would, I hoped that mercilessly picking at my skin as if I were picking off every flaw I saw would fix this, I hoped that scratching myself would rip this skin off and make me a new man. I hoped that anger would diffuse into content. But we all knew that would never happen.

And I'm going to admit, ending it crossed my mind, I didn't want to, not really, but I definitely thought about it, deciding it'd be best to not scar everyone else in the same way I was, so young.

A few hours in to my breakdown and into the new day, Tris made himself heard outside my door.

"Are you alright, Brad?" He asked me, the knob beginning to turn.

"Don't come in." I called out "I'm fine. You don't have to check on me," I tried to convince him but I saw the door open so I quickly turned away so he couldn't see my face.

"You're not." He sighed, sitting on the edge of my bed and putting his hand on my knee "I'm sorry, I really am...."

"I get it, you're straight, can't do anything about it, I get it, I've dealt with this all before." I sighed monotonously.

"...Brad, I can't do anything about it, I'm sorry, please don't be off with me." He shook his head "I don't want to lose my best friend."

"Tris, it's fine...I just need to pull myself together." I smiled a little "I'm not holding this against you, I just needed to say it."

"Alright Brad, promise me you'll be alright?" He asked, looking up at me "Please? If you need anything, I'll be here."

"Promise." I nodded as I flashed a fake smile, watching him reluctantly leave the room, after about ten minutes I put some jeans on and shoved some essentials into a backpack and slipping my feet into the closest pair of shoes I found.

I decided I should fall off the grid for a day or two, get my head on straight, get over the rejection, sort myself out. With the few things I had packed I headed out the front door and into the world, I didn't know where I was going or whether I'd be back by sunrise, all I knew was that I wanted out for a while, I wanted to find beauty and reminisce in it, whether that meant I headed into the neon lights of a city that never sleeps or I ended up by the sea or in a field somewhere, all I needed was to find something that allowed me to breathe.

I plugged my earphones in and walked to the beat, my feet falling on the pavement as the kick drum echoed through the music, I felt my heart beat raise to the tempo and my eyes dilate as I took my daily hit. Music is a drug for the soul, no matter how broken it may seem, there's always something to resonate with you, I know many people say it's a medicine, but medicines for the mind tend to numb you past the point of being a shell, music re-animates and re-iterates, it makes you who you are and then some, I find people who say they don't listen to music bland, they lack an essence that's so intrinsically human, I wouldn't be who I was without it, I turn to it in my darkest hours much more so than when I'm content, I find safety and security in rhythms that will always be, I find home in the deep valleys of the bass line, I find sanity in the middle ground of the guitar and hope in the voice. It's safe to say that without music I wouldn't be around and I certainly wouldn't have the friends I do.

Because nothing can compare to the feeling of a song resonating with you, that feeling of sudden courage and fearlessness as the words hit heartstrings and bounce off them, gaining energy and momentum before meeting with your Brain behind your eyelids, how you feel invincible when you listen to that one song, how you feel as though nothing can hurt you anymore because you've built yourself an armour of someone else's words.