Lightbulb || Tradley

Chapter Nine

"So it is Tris!" James winked, nudging me "I so knew it. Awh Brad you're crushing so hard on him, that's so sweet."

"Fuck off, it's not Tris!" I tried to deny but I was bright red and it was giving me away.

"It is! I'm gonna go and tell him!" James teased, getting up and throwing underwear on, myself copying his actions.

"I swear to god McVey, you dare and you'll be kicked in the face!" I snapped, my anger getting the better of me

"Woah, I like this side of you." He smirked, me not having any of it.

"Fuck off." I rolled my eyes "Don't turn this into that. You tell anyone, you die, mmkay?"

"Yeah yeah, whatever." James rolled his eyes, turning back and falling on his bed as I left the room after putting my hoodie on, popping into Tris' room briefly where he was sat air-drumming to whatever was in his earphones. As he saw me peering in to the room he removed them and smiled at me.

"How was it?" He teased.

"Can I use your drums?" I asked, ignoring him, shocked as he shook his head.

"Nah, we've got a gig tomorrow, you'll break it." He denied "Play your guitar, strings are cheaper than sticks or skins."

"Please, or I'll end up hitting someone." I basically begged.

"...Only if I'm in there and you talk to me about what's up first?" He suggested.

"After." I bargained and the blond gave in, standing up and pulling a hoodie on, me not bothering with clothes apart from the underwear and hoodie I was wearing as I ran across the grass to the shed we'd modified as soon as the house was bought.

"I'll teach you how to do it properly if you want." Tris suggested and I shook my head.

"I just wanna hit things." I laughed a little, beginning to play a beat, tris settling down on one of the beanbags in the corner of the room, where our single lightbulb was, it was the only source of light in the room, that one naked light, in the corner of the room, completely ignored by everyone until it becomes an inconvenience by going out.

Much like Tris was the only light source in my life, sure I had the band and a potential future of success but doesn't everyone have that potential? None of them are as bright as Tris, he gets it, even when he doesn't, and I don't realise how important he is until he's not around, I'm lost without my best friend, I'm lost without him.

"Brad - braaaaaad." He laughed, waving a hand in front of my face "You just zoned out, staring at the lightbulb."

"Whoops." I laughed, picking up the sticks I dropped whilst I was thinking "Sorry."

"You alright?" He asked me, putting a hand on my knee as I nodded, smiling as best I could, I felt a knot in my throat, tight around my vocal chords but I tried to swallow it "I see straight through you Brad, c'mon, talk."

"...You don't blame me being gay on what happened wit-"

"No - I don't think it's because you didn't have your dad growing up." He interrupted "I think of you no differently Brad, you're the same dickhead I've always been in the band with."

"Yeah but like... Other people? Are they going to think that?" I whispered, looking past him so I didn't have to see his eyes.

"Nah." He assured me.

"I see it... what happened, all the time." I admitted, having not told anyone in years "I think maybe it would have been better if I had died when I was 15."

"What happened when you were fifteen?" Tris asked, looking up at me with concern in his eyes "Are you okay?"

"I tried... I tried to kill myself." I shook my head "After I kissed a boy, I felt so bad, so guilty, I repressed it, tried not to think about it, didn't want to think about it anymore, I knew my dad would be so disappointed... He'd hate me now, look at the disappointing mess his son turned out to be."

"Brad...I don't know what to say." He whispered "Do you still feel guilty, Do you still think about... You know, doing it?"

I slowly nodded "All the time."

"Oh Bear, I'm so sorry you feel like this." He shook his head, standing up and wrapping himself around me tightly "Anything I can do?"

"Don't think of me any differently, please." I wiped away some of my tears "Act as though you don't know anything, please, it's so important to me. I don't even know why i told you."

"Brad you need help, if you think about suicide." He whispered, keeping me close to his body "I don't wanna have to do the band without you mate, James would drive me nuts."

"He's so irritating." I shook my head with a small laugh "Never let me shag him again."

"Damn, what did he do?" Tris asked

"If I show you, you can't laugh at me for letting him." I made him promise.

"Sure sure." Tris nodded as I lifted up my hoodie and stood up, showing him the bruises and scratches all over my back.

"Shit, he's crazy." Tris gasped "Fucking hell."

"I know right." I blushed "Freak. And then he tried to basically get me to go on a date with him, then I had to politely explain how he wasn't my type, he wouldn't let it go."

"Awh." Tris smiled "Jamesy has a crush on you, cute."

"It's gross that's what it is." I shivered.

"Alright alright, out of the members of the band, who would you be the most likely to date?" Tris asked, making me blush and look away, taking a deep breath, was this the moment? Was I going to tell him, could I bare to tell him? Was I ready?

Fuck it, he knows everything else already, why not.