This Is Me, I Guess

Isolation

Isolation can come in many shapes, ways, and forms. It is a very general word. You can physically be isolated when you are separated from people for a number of reasons. You can socially be isolated if you don't have any one to talk to. You can even be mentally isolated when you separate yourself from others and feel completely alone.

Isolation can be both good and bad. It can mess with your head and it can give you a break from life. It all depends on what you're being isolated from and why. 

When I am isolated, though, I hate it. I isolate myself in the sense that I don't talk to anyone. Not even my friends sometimes. I separate myself from others socially and mentally, putting up a wall around myself. 

I always stare at the floor and lean against the walls. I wear jackets, not really because I'm cold, but because I can hide under it. Eventually I distance myself from my friends and become alone. I always have someone to talk to, but no one to have an interesting conversation with.

Nod and smile. Nod and smile. Chuckle. Smile. Laugh. Smile. It's all mostly fake, though. Not all the time, but a lot of the time. 

It's not that I hate people or that I think I'm better than them, because I'm not. It's the fact that I think I'm going to mess up and screw everything over, but technically I'm already doing that by not communicating, so there's not really a way I can win against myself.

This mental and social isolation turns to physical isolation. When I'm home I do my homework and go strait into my room. I listen to music since it's the only thing that keeps me sane. 

This isolation I have feels like a constant battle with myself and my emotions. I have people who love me and who I love dearly, but I still isolate myself. 

I've always been like that. I don't know why, but I have.