This Is Me, I Guess

Here we are

So, I've decided to take the liberty of using medication for my mental health finally.

It might seem kind of silly, but I didn't actually believe that I had depression and to this day it's still kind of hard for me to believe and harder for me to admit. 

It's already been two days and I feel more like myself than I had in about twelve years. I mean they're depression meds though so it might get a little bit rough before it gets better. At least I understand myself way better than I had before.

Sometimes I feel like I am just being a crybaby or that I'm making a bigger deal out of things than I really needed to. In reality, I didn't know why I had certain anxieties and lack of energy and desperately wanted a reason to feel a certain way if that makes sense.

I guess I knew what was going on all along somewhere inside of me, I just wasn't in a place where I could see it. I'm glad that I didn't though because I feel like I would have been way worse mentally if I had. 

Don't get me wrong; I love and appreciate everyone who comes across my life good or bad, it's just surreal to see just how blind and clueless to certain things that had happened in my past. 

Anyways, I have realized that this book no longer serves me in the way it had, and I feel proud by it. It gave me an outlet when I didn't know what else to do. I want to write more; well, I want to do a lot of things, actually. But I just want to get better. I feel that my journey through this book was dramatic in a lot of ways, but also very necessary to aid me through certain healing that I wasn't exactly ready to go through.

I want to take the time to thank myself for always trying to do something to feel better even when a lot of my pain felt self-inflicted. I love myself for who I am and I am open to heal even further so that I no longer hold myself back. This journey had a lot of sour notes, but it feels much better now that I am able to find a way to cut the bitterness and turn it sweet. It's not going to happen over night. I mean it hasn't happened over night so that makes sense. However, I know that I will get there eventually. I am going to listen to myself more actively here on out. 

I want to tell everyone out there that no matter how minor or severe, everyone has trauma to heal through. No matter how severe or insignificant it may seem, it still affects you in ways that other people may or may not understand. Your healing is important. Please don't delay it on someone else's behalf. We are all humans playing the game called life. You are not a bad person for loving and healing you. Please watch after your health whatever that may mean to you. Trust in yourself. You are stronger than you know.

To anyone who has read this far in this book, I hope you can take something away from it and learn from my experiences. Thank you for taking the time to absorb my brain vomit. I wish all of you the best of luck.

Have a good one.