This Is Me, I Guess

Numb

Have you ever felt what it was like to completely tune out your emotions? To feel nothing except a fuzzy feeling in your head? 

Have you ever felt that when you are walking, your just merely floating on by to get from point A to point B?

Have you ever felt numb?

I haven't, but I'm sure it's hell.

It's impossible for me to feel numb when I am filled with so many emotions that I have a potential to explode. 

I feel regret. I feel hate. I feel love. I feel stressed.

I have tried to block those feelings, but it only comes back worse. So I gave in to my emotions. Instead of running away from them I dwell on them, which isn't very healthy either. That's just the only way I know how to deal with them.

I have tried to analyze my feelings and what has caused them. At this point, though, I've felt them for so long that I don't even remember the cause of them, or if there even is a cause. They're just there.

The major feeling I'm talking about is stress. Shoulders tensing. Taking deep breaths to try to clear out the negative energy. The general feeling of crankiness and just being a ticking time bomb in general.

My stress is partially caused by confusion which is caused by a mix of many different emotions at once. My stomach hurts thinking about this.

Honestly, though, I don't even know if I should label it as stress because it's not just stress. I feel a huge weight on my shoulders all of the time and it's getting harder for me to laugh at the things I used to, but at the same time I laugh all of the time. I feel happy, but under the surface I'm not.

I just feel a base feeling of... stress. 

So when someone tells me that they feel numb, I just can't believe it because I've never felt it. I've always had some sort of emotions even if it isn't as strong as they used to be. Even if I don't feel happy, or at the very least satisfied. 

However, I'm not them, so who knows. Maybe they are void of emotions. Maybe their feelings just shut off and now they're walking corpses. Living zombies. Empty puppets.

Maybe they are numb.