Becoming

Wondering

"Ever wonder if you could just change your reality-just for a few seconds-to get a glimpse of your life from different possibilities if you had chosen a different path for all of your life choices? I constantly wonder that. Would be kinda interesting if that was a possibility.

"I don't necessarily hate all of the random things and decisions that I made in my life, but I do wish I could see what the different outcomes would have been if I had chosen differently. It bugs me that that possible reality has faded forever even though it was never even brought to life and fully explored. I wonder what life would be like if I didn't deal with PTSD...or the other shitty stuff I been pulled by the hair through.

"But imagining my reality as something else seems quite immoral. Some things turned out all right in the end and I would never change the slight fraction of my past, present, or future as a way to just not deal with the crap that I deal with.

"But if I erased everything else, would I still have that fraction of reality in my life? Would I still be the person that I am today? The questions that are impossible to answer or ever know the answer to, annoy me the most.

"I have so much hate intertwined with barb wire in my soul because of the pitch black things that have happened to me, but at the same time, I can be so peaceful that I feel like my armor that I have clothed myself with will never be broken or wear away. Sometimes I feel invincible, other times I'm sure a sharp, raised word filled with anger will be enough to make me crawl up into a corner in fear.

"I hate it.

"I wake up in the middle of the night feeling the warm tears heavily blanket my cheek as my body is literally fighting a night terror; I feel my body wake me up as my legs seem to have a mind of their own as they desperately and frantically kick away a non present evil presence. Often times I cannot recall the memory of what I was dreaming, all I know is that it was enough to cause me to react in such an emotionally fearful manner. I'm still haunted; probably always will be. If this never happened to me, would I be a girl who could sleep so calmly, but as a consequence be so painfully naïve because I never had this experience to help me grow up faster?

Sometimes you have no idea what life will throw at you. Sometimes it comes as a surprise, sometimes not. Sometimes it's something that you wish you could prevent, other times you are happy that it has happened. My life seems a mixture of those things.

"I find it rather ironic that my parents named me Destiny. I often felt the name I possess was one that rather just mocked me or poked me in the ribs and laughed in my face. I felt like I had no destiny.

"Perhaps it's my PSTD that causes me to lose sight of the promising opportunities in the future. Something I've heard from other victims can be a problem when we are in our lows. Whatever it is, it most certainly is not a fun feeling. Often times I feel like a black hole, but lack the ability to suck in all the good things in life. Other days, I feel the opposite. We have our highs and lows. On my high days I feel more like a sturdy brick that's firm and comfortable in its place. Okay laugh, I find that analogy a little interesting myself; just never compare my highs to a flower. Seriously.

"So what is destiny. I don't even know that answer. Oh, you were referring to the person, well, me Destiny. In that case, I don't even know the answer to that question. Probably a hurricane. Or a cloud. Choose your pick.

"Wishing I would get to the point of all my rantings, huh? Maybe a little annoyed that I haven't gotten to my point? What about the few of you that are sitting there and nodding your head because you can actually relate? Funny how life works, huh?

"I guess my point is, you can never know what your future holds, and for someone who has taken a lot of shit and hellfire in her life, I suggest taking the good when it comes. Maybe be a little cautious at first, but don't let it pass you by entirely. You just got to take the good and bad. But don't take too much shit. There is only so much you can handle.