Becoming

Socializing and I Don't Agree With Each Other

           

Socializing. As much as I liked it, I also dreaded it. I always felt super awkward during social gathers. Not to mention the fact that people are always on edge and too friendly just to make sure that nothing they do or say triggers my PTSD. I find it easier to hold a conversation with someone who hardly knows me than someone who has known me for years. The person who has known me for only a few minutes is more genuine, sincere, and natural than the people that know that I deal with PTSD. And I like it better when people don't know that I deal with it than when they know that I do.

"Hey, Tiny."

"Why do you absolutely insist on calling me that nickname?" I turned my shoulders in the direction facing William. I refused to leave my spot against the wall, with my back firmly supported and protected. I've always loved walls since that day. They are so dependable and never changing.

"Cause calling you, Dest or Des, would just be plain weird. First off, the first one sounds like I have a lisp and the second one sounds like a guy's name."

"Gee, you sure know how to make a girl's day, you dork."

"Would you like me to call you by a guy's name? I can call you Bob or Bill if you want."

I punched William's shoulder in a playful matter. "Don't you even dare call me that."

"Just checking." William started rubbing his shoulder pretending to be hurt.

Silence hung comfortably around us as we just stood there. William moved from standing in front of me to standing right beside me, also placing his back firmly against the wall. One of the things that I have always loved about William. He took my silence and accepted it; never tried to fill it up with any small talk or just fill it up in general. He was comfortable with the silence because he also was fluent with silence.

"So..what did you come over here for?" I finally asked him breaking the silence.

"Just making sure that your PTSD hasn't been triggered." I caught his wink when I turned to look at him with a complete guarded look on my face. I also heard the sarcasm in his voice. It wasn't directed towards me though.

"Why do you say it like that?"

"Because I understand. It even annoys me when people walk around you like you are about to break suddenly. You are a lot stronger than people give you credit for."

I leaned over and laced my fingers through his right hand. I felt his grip tighten slightly in response. I always appreciated his reassurance. I knew he was determined never to let me crumble. I loved his dorkiness but also his seriously that balanced completely with his personality.

           

I leaned over and peaked a kiss on his right cheek. "Should we go out and socialize?"

"I'll be there if you need someone to retreat to."

"It's our family, I'm sure I will be fine. I just needed a moment to myself to clear my head. Is your mom still baby talking our little girlie?" I love William's mom and her gentle sweetness. She definitely would spoil Dakota if she was ever given the chance.

"Yep. And my sisters. I think I'm starting to hear them fight over who gets to hold her next."

"We might have to solve that problem by having them draw numbers out of a hat, just like last time." I said. I could feel the contentment and happiness spread across my face.

"Well, what did you expect? Dakota is the first granddaughter and niece to both your siblings and parents just like she is to mine."

"You don't need to remind me. I love how much they dote on our little blond girlie."

I pulled his hand, which was still intertwined in mine, in consequence pulling his back off of the wall. I could tell he was slightly humored by my strength.

"Come on! Let's go!"

"I'm slight scared that you want to go and socialize." William said pulling my hand and drawing me closer to him.

"And, it's family and only two out of the ten act like I am about to shatter or are cautious around me. I still deal with the aftermath but it's been four years. I've gotten a bit better."

We started walking toward William's mother's large family kitchen, at the same pace with his arm wrapped around my waist. If it had been anyone else doing that, I would have been completely annoyed by the physical touch, but with him, it felt natural. For once, the touch made me feel safe.

Sure enough, William's mother stood in the middle of the kitchen holding Dakota while Will's six sisters surrounded her asking for a turn.

"How exactly did you survive growing up with six sisters and being the only boy in the family?"

"I honestly have no idea." Will laughed.

Lyddie, the oldest sister, saw me and immediately made her way over.

"Okay, I need the support of the mother here," Lyddie started smirking, "Since I'm your favorite, shouldn't it be my turn next?"

I laughed. "Lyddie, I don't have favorites."

Lyddie's four year old boy, Brian, ran up to her and asked to tell her a secret. Brian looked at Will and giggled when Will responded with placing his index finger over his lips and making a "shh" noise.

"Nevermind, Momma!" And just like that , Brian bolted off.

Lyddie turned to Will. "So you go and tell secrets to four year olds, now do ya?"

"Only some." Will said looking at me.

Okay. Now he has me curious.