Becoming

Fate Is a Bitter Word

           

I hate it when people say that their life was just fated. Umm...no. Your life wasn't fated. I honestly have always viewed that word in a negative way because it almost seems completely negative. Almost puts a firm definition to the outcomes in your life as something that cannot be changed because it was "fated". And it provides a more negative response to negative things that occur in life when you view life's outcomes as "fated".

No, I firmly believe that everything that happened to me wasn't fated. It was just one of life's outcomes that took me down a different road. A road that made me stronger, braver, and love a bit harder. There were life lessons that changed me, thankfully, for the better. Even negative changes and occurrences can have a positive light to them.

           

I put my pen down and starred at the notebook paper in front of me. I sat in the living curled up on the couch. Dakota lay sleeping next to me in her bouncer seat. She let out a little baby sigh.

I leaned over and checked on her. It was midnight and she had woken me up to eat. I couldn't fall back asleep so I took the opportunity to just sit and write. Thankfully William hadn't noticed my absence yet. Usually he wonders out to see if I'm alright if I'm gone for a while, which I feel slightly guilty for.

I touched Dakota's sweet little face with my left hand. I loved that little human more that I ever thought I could love anything. A mother's love really is something beautifully protective and admirable. I would do anything to protect that sweet, innocent face. And a father's love too can be extremely strong when it comes to their children. William is already talking about her not being able to date until she is at least thirty-two years old. I told him good luck with that.

I drew my hand back and set it on the notebook laid in my lap. And started fiddling with the ring on my left ring finger. Maybe part of the reason why I couldn't fall back asleep. Still remembering everything that had just occurred hours ago. An engagement ring.

Part of the reason why I couldn't fall back asleep because my mind was on one of those modes. Where it was literally processing individually everything going on around me. And the muscle tension I felt in my arms and legs wasn't helping any.

Be brave. That's what I keep telling myself. Everyday. Every new life chapter. Every new life experience. Be brave and embrace life.

Suffering from PTSD is no fun ride. I honestly don't know where I would be if I didn't have the support group around me. PTSD- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder- an anxiety disorder. An anxiety disorder. Mental health. Acknowledging that every day was even a challenge in itself thinking that it degraded my worth somehow. Made me completely less worthy.

But William knew and told me that every part of me is precious and something to be loved. He helped me realize that just because I suffer from anxiety and an anxiety disorder it doesn't make me crippled or unworthy of anyone's love, family or friends. He taught me that it didn't define me, but rather it strengthened me. Even said that the number one reason that he loves me so much is because I'm so willing to punch back harder.

I've come so far since that night. That night where life completely flipped and I felt as if I was being skinned alive with life's cruel and cold knife.

I don't think anyone is really fated for anything. In fact, fate seems more like a cruel word or something to fall back on to blame when life goes wrong. That's why I don't believe in it.

No, I believe in choice; in the will to rise up out of heartache, trauma, and life's disappointments. I believe in choosing to be brave. I believe making the consistent and committed choice to live and love. To not let experiences harden you. And my experience hardened me for years and honestly I missed a lot of beautiful blessings and opportunities because of it. And I have a list of people that I need to sit down and apologize to (but don't even know exactly where to start).

"What are you doing up?"

I looked up. Will stood with his brown hair sticking up on one side and the other side his hair laid completely stuck against his head. He reached up and rubbed his eye.

"Thinking. You look interesting."

"A good interesting?" He tried to smile, but it got lost as he yawned.

"More like you obviously just woke up. I'm okay, you can go back to bed."

Will walked across the living room floor to where I sat and planted a kiss on my forehead before staring into my eyes. "You sure?"

"Absolutely."

Will noticed the notebook in my lap and smiled. "I love this new you."

"Writing like a crazy woman?"

"Yeah. I think it's good for you. Helps you express yourself and vent. Plus your handwriting is beautiful."

"That's debatable, but thanks. You should really go back to bed."

"Want me to take Dakota with me?"

"Nah. Her presence actually helps keep me from drifting too far off to another galaxy."

"Please don't do that. I like talking to you way too much. Plus that engagement ring." And there appeared the mischievous smile.

"I won't. I'm grounded enough now to stay," I reached up and bobbed his nose, "but seriously go back to bed."

"Promise you won't be long?"

"Promise. Stop worrying too much."

"There is a difference between worry and caring for someone."

"Love ya."

"Love ya too, Brave Heart."