Hinanging dahon

Para sa huling taong paaasahin ko

Hindi ko ginusto pero ganon ang nangyari. Hinayaan ko yung sarili kong mahulog na hindi ko namamalayan. Hinawakan ko yung kamay mo tapos sinasabi ko lang sa sarili ko na magkaibigan lang tayo at kaya kong pigilin 'tong nararamdaman ko. Pero hinde, hindi ko kaya. 

Magkaibigan pa din tayo pero hindi na tulad ng dati. Sinasabi ko sayo lahat pati mga kahinaan ko. At ikaw naman pilit pinapahaba ang usapan kahit wala na 'tong kwenta. All for the sake of talking to me. And it was nice. It's warm. I loved the feeling. 

Pero ngayon, alam ko namang dito din 'to papunta noon pa, pero hindi ko lang naisip na ganito pala kahirap. 'Yung taong pinagsasabihan mo ng lahat ni hindi mo na mapagsabihan ng araw mo, o ng nakita mo sa daan o ng mga reklamo mo sa buhay. You've grown cold. Our conversations became dragging. Naging pilit. 

No matter how I wanted to preserve our friendship, it's not gonna be the same anymore. Nagtatampo ako nung una pero ganon talaga eh, alam ko na 'to nung una pa. 

The main reason for everything I've done is because I love God more than anything and I want to obey Him and guard my testimony. Sinabi ko na 'to ng ilang beses. Hindi ko alam kung naintinidhan mo na pero regardless I thank you na hindi mo ako pinigilan at pinakawalan mo ako. 

Now, I've lost a best friend. Nung una iniisip ko na may malaki akong kasalanan sa'yo and I've accepted that to punish myself for that, I am not gonna move on from you. I'll still gonna love you. But dude, I realized that ending it with you is what glorifies God and it doesn't matter if the world would hate me because of that, coz it's the right thing to do. I've been beating myself up since that night. Every time I think about that conversation my heart aches like it happened just recently. I never thought I'm gonna be the one to do that to you. 

Everyday I'm tempted to start a conversation or ask how you were, even just as a friend. But every time I tried, I erase everything. Kamusta ka na? Okay ka lang ba? But I don't know, is not talking the thing you want to happen now? Or do you want me to initiate? What? What should I do? These questions kept racing on my head and I know I had to stop. So I'm gonna stop. I have to. For my sanity. 

And now, we have to move on. We have to accept that it's not gonna happen. But also believing that God is sovereign and He is the writer of our lives. If ever we meet again in the future and God wanted this to happen, He will make it happen. But now we have to move on and leave all the memories behind. Leave all the what ifs. Leave everything behind. And let's start from the beginning. 

Can I even let you read this? I don't know. 

EDIT: yeah, I guess never.