Hinanging dahon

For the guy I've hurt a lot

I don't know how high the chances are for you to read this, but telling this to you personally is way beyond the courage I have now. So here I am, in front of my computer, typing these words and hoping that someday, it will reach you.

I can't gracefully accept rejection, if someone rejected me for any reason or for any situation, it's something I cannot properly handle. But you, you accepted every rejection I caused and you stood there by my side when things got rough. 

I am sorry for leading you on, I am sorry for shining a light to a future I am not even sure of. I am so sorry for not thinking through the words I said and for not thinking how you must have felt because of it. But what can I do? I'm not a good decision-maker back then, I sucked at expressing how I felt and on top of that, even though you didn't feet it, I cared too much. I cared too much about you more than I should and that didn't help the situation because it just led to more leading on and more false hopes and heartbreaks. 

The reason why I cannot like you back, even though I really considered it, was because I like someone else like the way you did for me. I am sorry for making you a rebound, I am sorry for using you, I am really sorry.We're pretty similar you know, we can't just let go of the people who makes us feel happy. I liked someone else even though there's nothing mutual and that's pretty much our situation too. It must have been a lot easier if I turned back my on him and turned towards you, but for some great reason, God didn't allowed it. 

We parted ways but found ourselves having the same conversations. For the very last time, "pinaasa kita". You know about that, I thought that's what I wanted, but then God made me realize that I don't. I'm just so affected by everything and my emotions were heightened so I made that foolish decision to confess my unsure feelings about you.  I am sorry but I could say that that was the most foolish thing that I have ever done in my life. It's not about you, it's about me. For years, it's all about me. You don't know me and we met and you liked me during the time where I could not let anyone know the real me, even my best friends. But you only showed some of your sides to me, which I cannot accept., at some point. 

I am sorry for all the pain I caused you. I do not know what you feel about me right now. Hate, disappointment, anger, pain, or whatever. But I hope that you could forgive me. 

I made those decisions because I became stubborn and didn't apply what God called me to do and the consequence is the guilt I am feeling now because of hurting you once again. I know it's been months and maybe you like someone else now, and I'm really happy for you if you are. But I really really really want to talk to you personally and clear things up. Not for some chance or whatever but I want to be friends with you, real friends.