Don't Fight It

Part 3

Hongbin watched his hyung leave and stared at the door for a moment before flopping back on the bed, trying to blink away the tears that had suddenly appeared in his vision as he felt the genuine affection and concern behind Hakyeon's words. God he was tired; the last thing he needed was to fall apart completely. But as his leader's plaintive voice echoed in his head, Binnie couldn't stop all the emotions he'd suppressed from welling up at once, or the tears of self pity, frustration, and sadness that accompanied them. He vaguely registered the sounds of N rounding everyone up and the door locking behind them, and found himself sobbing harder, gasping as the unrelenting waves of emotion battered his psyche.

After a while, the internal storm subsided and coherent thought returned.

"Why can't I just turn those stupid feelings off?" he thought despairingly.

Remembering the way his whole body flushed as his pulse and breathing sped up lately whenever he interacted with a certain person made Hongbin feel stupid and unreasonably angry.

"If I could just find a way to get over...him," he thought, not even daring to think the name even as an image of his grinning face flashed in his mind's eye, "everything would be fine. I could go back to normal and not worry about how everyone would react or ruining the group. VIXX is more important than me, if only I could get my damn fool heart to realize that."

But even as his rational brain thought the words, his subconscious prickled at the idea, refusing to give in. He longed to be able to confess his secret to any of the other four; to be able to talk it through and share the burden. But then they'd know, and everything would be different...ruined because they wouldn't be able to help seeing him differently, watching their every interaction with a knowing pity in their eyes. And eventually he would find out and everything would fall apart.

Banishing the dark thoughts with a heavy sigh, he wiped his eyes and got up. After washing his face and brushing his teeth, Binnie decided he felt more like playing Overwatch than going to the pharmacy or getting some food. He walked back to his dim room, trying to remember when he'd last played and what his current stats were, but instead of sitting down and logging into his computer, he discovered his feet had brought him back to bed. He'd been seeing it as the enemy all week, but now his mattress felt as soft and welcoming as a hug. He burrowed in under the covers, closed his eyes, and, with the last thought that slipped through his mental barrier being a hope for a dream featuring him, Hongbin finally fell into the first restful sleep he'd had in days.